Loss of Identity
Topics:
“Loss of Identity”
“Hiding Your Playfulness”
“The Thrill is Gone”
Monday, February 5, 2007 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Howard (Bosht)
Elias arrives at ... PM. (Arrival time is 20 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good afternoon!
HOWARD: Good afternoon.
I scheduled this session primarily because I am very nervous and I am very frightened. I am almost immobilized with indecision. Two things have happened that have really affected me. And maybe there was a third in a sequence of events that had happened in November and December that has affected me also.
The first involved being arrested on a DUI (that’s driving under the influence offense) and spending the night in jail on New Years Eve. That was bad enough, but in Arizona they take your drivers license, effectively putting the offender under house arrest for at least a month. If I had other means of transportation or Margot or a friend who could take me to and from work I would be OK, but I don’t. So I am in violation of the law every time I leave the house and drive somewhere.
The second occurred several days later when I received a phone call from the man who owns the building where I wanted to rent a space for a branch store on the other side of town. I had talked to him three years ago and said that if the space I wanted to rent ever became available, would he please let me know. Unfortunately, his phone call was three years too late and I don’t have the money anymore. Furthermore the sales of my business are down almost 40% this past year, primarily because I did NOT open a branch store on the other side of town! I allowed my competition an opening and they took it! I am very disappointed in myself for missing the window for expansion and my competitors have captured the market.
The third thing is that in November and then December I had taken on two architectural projects and had severely underestimated the fees for them. They are also projects that are incredibly “fussy” and require a tremendous amount of concentration and clever interpretation of the code (the building code), to make them happen. The issues were entirely building code related and have nothing what so ever to do with architecture and architectural design.
A sub-category of this frustration was that I had planned to go into business with my friend Jim (the one who had fragmented of Paul/Saul/Telleth) and we thought we could have made a good team and make a great practice. But ... he passed away last year. And that’s another disappointment.
And finally health wise my heart is hurting more frequently and I am having a great of problems with my bowels. And … That’s pretty much it. I could go on here …
But anyway, the last three months have been a cascade of events that I’m really unable to deal with and I am locked-up. Or as I was telling Mary I am “two-blocked” . And, when I scheduled the session I felt as if I were drowning. I am suffering from a sense of apprehension that is terrible and foreboding. And frankly I cannot remember the last time I felt like this. And it is so unlike me to feel this way. That, I wanted to talk to you.
So if you would like to pick an issue, or all of them for that matter, to begin our discussion, I would like you to be my sounding board and help me sort through these situations that I have created.
ELIAS: Very well. Let us begin with the fear.
HOWARD: The fear?
ELIAS: Yes. Describe the fear.
HOWARD: (long pause) I think it comes from the restriction of my freedom. I get very, very fearful from that. Right now my heart is racing.
ELIAS: Very well. One moment. Stop.
Now; allow yourself to close your eyes and relax and breathe. Breathe-in even deep breaths. And while you are breathing allow yourself to move your attention to your muscles and relax.
HOWARD: Okay.
ELIAS: (pause) No … that is not quite effective. Very well. Stand (with authority).
HOWARD: Stand?
ELIAS: Yes.
Now; move your body. Swing your arms. Move your body. Shake your shoulders. Move your head.
Now; move your head in a circular motion and subsequently slowly move your head forward to your chest and back as far as you can move it.
Slowly return to center.
Now; move your body again. Agitate your body. Now sit.
Now; breathe and focus your attention, moving slowly upon your neck and then to your shoulders. Release the tension in your neck. Drop your shoulders. Release the tension. Allow the energy to flow through your arms and out of your fingers. Move your attention to your chest.
Breathe.
Move your attention to your solar plexus.
Relax.
Move your attention to your hips.
Shift them.
Allow yourself to adjust into a comfortable position within your chair. Move your attention to your thighs. Allow them to relax in the chair, in a comfortable position. Spread apart. Shifting energy down. Allow your knees to comfortably rest over the edge of your chair. Allow the energy to flow downward. Relax your calf muscles. Place your feet upon the floor, in a flat position. And allow the energy to release through your feet into the ground.
HOWARD: (pause) Alright.
ELIAS: Are you feeling more comfortable?
HOWARD: I am, yes.
ELIAS: Very well, now we may proceed.
Now; one of the factors involved in the fear is associated with a feeling of isolation and separation. You are correct in your assessment that one factor is associated with restriction, or what you perceive to be a restriction of your freedom, and constricting yourself. But, another factor, which is significant, is an association with being isolated and (sigh) generating the expectation of yourself to be creating in a specific manner and the expectation of yourself to be solitary in all of your decisions but feeling uncertain in that, and somewhat upon shaky ground, in your terms.
For what is familiar to you is be generating the position that you have incorporated to this point, but … (sigh) allowing yourself a sense of strength and control and directedness through the action of drawing upon other energies. And in drawing upon other energies that allowed you to generate the position that is familiar to you, or the role that is familiar to you.
Now; you are generating expectations of yourself to continue that role, but you generate an association that there is an element missing that contributes to the allowance of that role and that is creating the floundering.
In a manner of speaking, were I to offer an analogy: If I express to you to visualize yourself as a motor vehicle, you incorporate many components that allow you to function adequately and properly. Yourself. But, you also draw upon certain functions to allow you to perform in the most productive manner. Some of those components are internal, such as the components of your motor.
Now; some of those components are external, such as the fuel that allows you to function efficiently. If the fuel is not adequate, that can generate malfunctions in other aspects of your design. And if your components are not maintained properly that can generate malfunctions also. Therefore, in a manner of speaking what you are generating now, is being this vehicle and viewing yourself the same as the same vehicle as you were previously but you have allowed your own maintenance to slip and therefore now your functioning is firing upon half of your pistons and your fuel is becoming thinner and thinner.
Let me express to you my friend. There are many, many, many individuals within your world that generate very successful relationships that generate a type of mutual consenting cooperation between the individuals. It is generally unspoken and generally not even engaged in thought. It is an interaction that occurs through action that is mutually consented upon and designed. And that can generate a very successful relationship, but it can also create significant conflict or distress or devastation and malfunction if the relationship is in some manner dissolved.
For each individual has become familiar and in a manner of speaking, dependant upon the other to generate, what they themselves, have not allowed themselves to recognize in their own abilities. Which is not bad, within the relationship, but without the relationship it can become overwhelming. For, in that situation, the individual begins to flounder, for what is familiar to them in how they normally or naturally function is no longer natural. But the expectation comes into play where it was not necessarily previously. For previously you merely functioned. And that was perceived as normal. It required little or no thought, you merely did. And you perceived yourself in a particular manner and in a particular role.
Now you continue to perceive yourself in a particular role but it is not merely being expressed, you are not merely doing it, you are questioning it and you’re generating expectations of yourself to continue in the role that is familiar to you and to continue to perceive yourself in the manner that is familiar to you. But you are missing components of that. Therefore you generate these expectations of yourself that you must be generating this inner strength to continue in a particular manner for this is you. And, what also begins to come into play is greater than the expectations. For what begins to come into play, is identity itself.
HOWARD: Yes.
ELIAS: … For; how you perceive yourself is a tremendous factor in your association with your identity. There are many different factors that are involved in an individuals identity. But, one of the strongest, is how you perceive yourself. Another, is your physical manifestation.
In this, if the physical manifestation begins to change, or it appears to be malfunctioning, that influences your perception of yourself, which is also associated with your identity. And if your functioning in other manners is noticed as being different that also begins to threaten the identity.
Identity is a very strong expression within your reality. In actuality I may express it is one of the strongest expressions that you each hold to. Without that component many different expressions can occur: Fear, anxiety, lack of motivation, malfunctionings, questionings, discounting. Many, many, many symptoms can occur if the self-identity becomes threatened. And in that the individual, in a manner of speaking, becomes somewhat desperate to regain that hold upon that identity. And that can be quite overwhelming especially if the individual is noticing behaviors and actions and experiences that they are generating that do not seem to be them self. Just as you have expressed.
When the individual begins to question them self in the manner of noticing different elements of them self and expressing, “this is not me”, that creates a shakiness with identity.
HOWARD: Yes.
ELIAS: When identity becomes threatened your attention begins to scatter. For, in a manner of speaking, you are attempting, in a frenzied manner, to assemble all of your puzzle pieces that generate the picture of your identity and they have been scattered. Therefore, in that frenzy, the attention becomes scattered and motivation becomes less and less. And as the motivation becomes less and less, the attention scatters more. And in that, there is less and less focus. And as there is less and less focus, as you are becoming aware in this scenario, you begin creating this circle in which each component feeds another. And they all perpetuate each other.
The motivation continues to decrease. The anxiety continues to increase. The scattered-ness of attention continues to increase. The focus continues to decrease. And in that, the individual becomes so scattered that they generate the feeling and the perception of hopeless and that there is little value in continuing, for there is no answer in how to continue. And this creates the immobilization.
And when individuals become immobilized, many, many times, they view themselves to incorporate no choices, or no viable choices, and therefore their most viable option is to discontinue.
HOWARD: Correct.
ELIAS: … Which is an option. But, it is not the only option. It is a matter of genuinely returning to your own focus.
Recognizing that you have generated choices that have created some uncomfortable situations, but uncomfortable is not necessarily not valuable. And in this you continue to incorporate choices.
Yes, you can choose to stop. That is one choice.
Or you can choose to reevaluate and evaluate where your value lies. And in that reevaluate your strengths. Your own strengths. Not what you should do or not do. But what your genuine desires are [and] what your genuine wants are and what you value.
I may express to you my friend; one factor is this scenario is that you have quite effectively misplaced your fun. And you have quite effectively, hidden your playfulness. So much so, to the point, that they are almost not existent.
And, I am quite familiar with your energy and you have incorporated a tremendous capacity for playfulness and fun. But you have misplaced them. And you have replaced them with scattered-ness and discounting and harshness with yourself and have allowed yourself to discredit yourself.
The reason I began this conversation in the manner that I did was quite specific. For, that is an acknowledgement of what individuals can create together in partnership and in mutual consent of interaction in coupling and in sharing. And that can be very efficient and effective and satisfying and comfortable. But, you do disservice to that accomplishment now in discrediting yourself. For, in this floundering and in this scattered-ness and de-focusing, your attention frequently moves to crediting your partner with being the glue.
HOWARD: Yes.
ELIAS: Which is inaccurate. You were both the glue. And in discrediting yourself you are discounting yourself and you are immobilizing yourself. For you are discounting your own abilities also. Remember, when you elevate another individual, you discount them. And you discount yourself.
In this, it is not bad or wrong to acknowledge and appreciate the wonderment of what you have shared. And, contrary to what you think at times, what you continue to share. Although I am aware that you do have some awareness that you are continuing to share. But in that, the glue, so to speak, was the byproduct of the mutual sharing.
HOWARD: That’s true. That’s absolutely true.
ELIAS: And in that you generated an equal portion of contribution of that glue. But now you are discrediting yourself for that portion. And that is a contributant to the threat in association with identity. For if you were not an equal contributant in sharing and creating that glue, what is your identity?
HOWARD: Correct.
ELIAS: If your partner was the only contributant of that glue and was the only strength in the partnership, or the director of the partnership, it was not a partnership. It was a puppeteer with a puppet. Which is not your relationship was. It was a shared cooperative in which you equally contributed. And can equally contribute now, but in discounting yourself and discrediting yourself you are not allowing yourself to receive the equal share of the contributed energy which continues.
That continues to be presented to you. But you cannot receive that for you are engaging to much busy-ness discrediting your contribution. And that is becoming distracting from other directions that actually do continue to hold value and value fulfillment for you. But, in discrediting yourself view what you are creating outwardly. As you discredit yourself inwardly and you do not allow yourself to receive you create the reflection of that outwardly for that is the energy you are projecting and therefore what you create.
You create discountings with your business, discountings with your yourself physically, discountings with yourself socially. Which are all what? Discrediting yourself: physically, financially, intellectually, socially, mentally, emotionally. But you can alter that. And the manner in which you accomplish that, first of all, is to begin acknowledging yourself rather than discrediting yourself. Even if the acknowledgement is that you are perhaps, in the day, in violation of the rules in incorporating your vehicle to engage your business, but you accomplished it.
HOWARD: Yes, that’s true (chuckles).
ELIAS: (Laughs). Therefore, even that can be viewed as an accomplishment. In this you create a beginning point of acknowledging what you are accomplishing in each day, successfully, regardless of what it is. Even if your successful accomplishment is that you remove yourself from your bed, within your morning, and engage the choice, to engage your business. That is an accomplishment. It is a choice that has been successfully executed. Or, if you are engaging your television in your evening and allowing yourself to genuinely relax and merely pat your felines.
HOWARD: Yes.
ELIAS: Allowing yourself to connect and relax is an accomplishment. You have successfully engaged a choice.
This is important for it allows you to interrupt this continuous discrediting. In addition to the daily acknowledgement, which I strongly encourage you to actually engage, not merely think of it: DO IT. I would also suggest that you allow yourself to stop concerning yourself with other individuals and how they may be affecting of you or your business and re-focus.
HOWARD: Yes. I had that glimpse a couple of times recently. So there is a spark there still.
ELIAS: Yes. Focus your focus, your attention in the day. Not projecting to tomorrow. Not projecting to next week. Not projecting to last month. But, focus in the day, in what you are doing, and how creative you can be with what you are doing.
Rediscover your enjoyment and your excitement!
In this, I may also express to you the suggestion that you incorporate within your day, each day, several moments, several times in a day, of allowing yourself to stop what you are doing intentionally [and] incorporate a few moments to center yourself and relax. Incorporate a similar action to what we engaged at the beginning of this conversation. This requires merely a few moments. It is not an action that requires extensive time frameworks. But, that will also encourage you to remain focused for it allows you to distract momentarily and re-focus yourself in a different action.
It also encourages you to be aware of your physical body consciousness and to relax and that is helpful in focusing. When you are generating tension it is more likely that you will move your attention to thinking. And when you move your attention to thinking …
HOWARD: (Laughs) I do that well.
ELIAS: … When you engage that action you generate tremendous potential to be creating not merely the scattered-ness but you also generate an effecting-ness of the physical body consciousness. You create malfunctions in the physical body consciousness.
Now; I will also express to you. In association with your heart. (pause) I will express to you an acknowledgement that at times your heart is generating an effecting-ness from the tension and the anxiety, but, more so than your heart is your trachea and your esophageal passage. This is being aggravated which is generating what appears to be a symptom of your heart, but it is actually not. It is more associated with the other aspect. Which reacts very strongly and very quickly to tension and anxiety and that is very influenced by thinking.
Now; I am not expressing to you that you should not think, that would be ludicrous, but that you recognize when thinking is becoming damaging. When you are engaging repeat thinking you are creating a malfunction and that can involve many other aspects of yourself. It can engage emotion, which is not present, for it can re-engage previous emotions and as you are aware emotion is not merely a feeling, and it is not a reaction, it is a communication. Therefore the thought mechanism can actually engage that avenue of communication in the attempt to be accessing new information. Therefore it can access emotion in that attempt not being successful and therefore distort the emotion, to change it, to offer itself new information. It can also engage the communication of imagination, which is quite real, and it can distort that in its attempt to gain new information.
Thought can only process what is offered to it. It is NOT a communication itself, it is a translator. Therefore it is dependant upon information TO translate. And it is very closely associated with attention. What you pay attention to offers thought information. If you are paying attention merely to thought you are not offering it any new information. Therefore it attempts to seek new information, but if your attention is held strongly, merely in thinking, it will not input new information! And this can create many, many, many malfunctions; physically, emotionally, mentally, in many, many, many different areas. It can interrupt your sleep patterns, it can interrupt and distort your dream imagery or it can eliminate your dream imagery.
It can confuse you tremendously in offering distorted and inaccurate translations, therefore it is significant also for you to be paying attention to how you are directing your attention and when you notice that you are snared in the thinking, thinking, thinking; divert yourself. Stop! Re-focus! Generate your relaxation exercise, momentarily.
Thought, fortunately, is a highly efficient mechanism and can reset very easily. It is merely a matter of you paying attention. Thought can automatically reset merely by moving your attention to your senses, momentarily. For; in that action you are providing input and it will immediately reset and begin thinking in association with what you are doing. [For example]
“I am smelling the fluid of ink.”
“I am listening to machinery.”
“I am viewing a room.”
“I am seeing these colors.”
It automatically begins to generate that type of thinking and stops the repeat, repeat, repeat thinking. Such as: (with sarcasm) “If I did this, this would not have happened.” Or … “If I would have engaged this, I would be in a better position, now.” Or perhaps, “If I do this, I may generate the ability to salvage this area.” This is repeat, non productive thinking.
HOWARD: Right.
ELIAS: And creates dysfunction. And I may also offer [a] suggestion. If you notice that you find yourself actually stuck in that type of repeat thinking, allow yourself to interrupt it in thinking of Giselle.
HOWARD: (inaudible).
ELIAS: Thinking of her scent, her form, her laughter, her temper, (both laugh), her stubbornness, (more laughter), her joy. It matters not. Allow yourself to engage that type of input. But, not to the point of discrediting you. Merely in appreciation of her and what you share. And the acknowledgement that that sharing continues. You have generated that sharing in many, many, many focuses. Past and future therefore it continues and it continues now, also.
It is merely in a different form.
HOWARD: Okay. (Pause) I will look at this new store space in a different light and you will certainly know about my decision on that one way or the other shortly.
ELIAS: And also allow yourself an openness. Do not limit yourself in becoming fixated in ONE direction. Allow yourself an openness to different possibilities. I am not expressing to you not to move in the direction of this other space, (2) but to be flexible and to allow yourself to genuinely evaluative listening to your intuition, allow yourself to be comfortable, not pushing yourself, for that will merely create the reverse of what you want. And in that flexibility rediscover your enthusiasm and your excitement.
HOWARD: Well … that’s what’s been missing, for sure.
ELIAS: I am aware.
HOWARD: It’s not the risk of the capital so much, it’s the, the . . . well as B.B. King says, “The Thrill is Gone”. I was looking for that thrill to come back.
ELIAS: And perhaps it may. It is not gone, it is merely hidden. Now, your task is to engage your game of seek and find.
HOWARD: Yeah. (Elias laughs) Well I think our time is just about up. I had some impressions of focus things here, thinking that if we had enough time I go over them …
Well one I would like to ask is, I have been in contact with Gertrud/Birdeet, Anjuli’s mother? And I told her that I see her as a woman dressed in a long white coat with a wide flat brimmed hat on the streets on Munich during the time when Kandinsky was involved with the Blue Rider group. And I went to find a name and the name … well … I think she’s Kandinsky’s second wife, Nina Andreeskia. (3)
ELIAS: You are correct. Quite elegant.
HOWARD: Excuse me?
ELIAS: Quite elegant.
HOWARD: Yes. But the time frame for the Munich pose (mental image does not match the time frame) I guess that was when he first saw her for they were married later.
ELIAS: Correct.
HOWARD: Okay. She will be pleased to hear that I am sure. And finally: are Marj [Grady] and Debbi [Oona] Lot’s daughters?
ELIAS: (pause) Yes.
HOWARD: Marj is the oldest, her name is Hagar?
ELIAS: Yes.
HOWARD: Debbi is the youngest, named Hannah?
ELIAS: Yes.
HOWARD: And was Margot, Lot’s wife?
ELIAS: Yes.
HOWARD: I am sure Margot will be pleased to hear that. (Elias laughs) Talk about stubborn!
ELIAS: Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!
HOWARD: Well that’s it. I’ve had fun. And I really thank you for your advice. I am getting nervous again, I don’t know why.
ELIAS: Relax.
HOWARD: Turn my brain off.
ELIAS: Correct. Relax. And breathe.
HOWARD: (Laughs) One thing I have noticed in my scattered-ness I have made some horrendous mistakes architecturally speaking. And I could actually loose my license from them. Fortunately these mistakes aren’t out in the field being built, and I could not believe that I could do this sort of thing, it’s not like me at all. I am so detail oriented. I’m fussy to the point of being obsessive.
ELIAS: I am understanding.
HOWARD: It was horrendous this error I made.
ELIAS: This is an indicator of this scattered-ness and not focusing.
HOWARD: Right. Well I can see that in my work I now have an explanation for it. Boy, if that ever happens again, I’ve got to slow down, stop thinking.
ELIAS: Readjust and re-focus. Allow yourself to stop, relax, adjust and refocus and be present.
HOWARD: Okay. I’m getting nervous for Mary, now. (Nervous laugh). Thank you so much for your time.
ELIAS: You are very welcome, my friend. Stop the nervousness.
HOWARD: I’m working on it.
ELIAS: Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. Very well. I shall anticipate our next meeting and I shall be offering my energy to you my friend in tremendous strength in helpfulness and great encouragement. I express tremendous lovingness to you and very dear friendship.
HOWARD: Thank you.
ELIAS: As always, to you my friend, au revoir.
HOWARD: Good bye.
Elias departs at ... PM.
(1) Before the reader assumes this is referring to constipation or something else, “two-blocked” is a construction term for a block and tackle, chain hoist that has both pulleys so tight together that it cannot operate and must be disassembled and the chain loosened. In the past the ropes had to be cut and rope was very expensive.
(2) I took this to mean that I needed more information in order to for me feel better about the decisions I would make.
(3) Nina was his third wife or partner, his second was the artist Gabriele Munter.
Copyright 2007 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.