Confidence; Untangling the Reactions
Topics:
“Confidence vs. Untangling Reactions”
“Reacting and Forgetting What You’re Doing”
Thursday, April 23, 2015 (Private/In Person)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Lynda (Ruther)
[Note: Names of some people are anonymized]
ELIAS: Good morning!
LYNDA: Good morning!
ELIAS: (Laughs) And what shall we discuss.
LYNDA: (Singing) Things are never as bad as they seem. (Elias laughs uproariously) So dream, dream, dream. (Speaks) That's my theory.
Okay – although they looked pretty bad this last couple of weeks. But you know what? I'm here. (Elias laughs) Okay, oh boy!
ELIAS: Congratulations with your home.
LYNDA: It's one month and three days today that it closed. Thank you. You know, that was my first thing, to acknowledge and say I'm officially a homeowner. I don't exactly know what that feels like yet ‘cause I've never been one. But what I DON'T feel, what I have an absence of worrying about is I'm not a renter, so that whole worry about living in someone's home and it's not mine is gone. I just don't quite… It's only a month. I haven't leaned into the wonderment yet, although I have crocuses and I wanted to name them, which... Stop it. (Elias laughs heartily) There’s lots of pieces and parts, but the house is so well put together I don't have to do much.
ELIAS: Congratulations!
LYNDA: Thank you very much. Talk about a desire: wham!
The theme of my session today is “confidence.”
ELIAS: Excellent!
LYNDA: Thank you.
You recently told me to be confident. I want to list some areas that I'm not consistently confident in and ask you to help me move forward in those areas more efficiently. (Exhales a deep, audible breath, and Elias chuckles quietly) Breathe, sister!
The supervisor in the office: This has been a rough few weeks in the office. I genuinely feel that she and the owner of the company are pretty dysfunctional as leaders on the one hand, but on the other hand quite directed when they finally jump in and direct. But this makes for a lack of motivation and unease, even for me who was able to plow through and stay connected to both of them.
I don't see that dynamic changing anytime soon, although I have more of a co-coaching relationship with the supervisor than ever before. I just got a little raise, and I have successfully reinvented myself more than once there. I acknowledge those things. I am still triggering approval and threat with my supervisor – not as much, and yes I do think the bottom line is she is my champion, but I grow pretty weary of not knowing how the day is gonna go in that office and not feeling safe.
But – I’m not asking for help about the approval pieces with her. I get my patterns, and although I triggered some yesterday, I caught it. I know I still irritate her, and for sure I know I irritate her assistant, but I catch myself pretty well nowadays and your information about the assistant helped me.
I'm just going to throw in this piece too with my other friend. I turned a tide with her because I genuinely like her, and the POWER of genuinely liking her dissipated all the other stuff. It’s an interesting and very powerful dynamic for me, and I understand her better. Our culture is similar. I think that's right about her.
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: Okay. Now, the rest of it about the office: [Looking at notes] I want to be more confident… Let me get to my bottom line; sorry. I don't want this job much longer, but because I don't see another choice to create as much or more money, I'm good with staying as balanced as I can there for a season. I think the experience is serving me well in regard to the forum relationships and in technical areas I want to train myself in with regard to the website and the webinars. So it's all a good thing to me. Just remind me that it won't be forever.
ELIAS: Correct.
LYNDA: And that one of these days I won't need a job.
Thank you. Anyway.
ELIAS: Therefore, in what direction are you relating the confidence aspect?
LYNDA: Ah, right. I'm really not confident a lot around my supervisor. I acquiesce to her energy a lot. I'm confident in what I want to... (flips a page) Eh, that's a good question. (Laughs) Maybe the confidence is more related to my next topic, but I would like to be more confident in my expressions to her when she discounts my expressions. She has a tendency to...
ELIAS: Define confidence.
LYNDA: Yeah, there's a good question!
ELIAS: Define how YOU perceive confidence, and in this situation. Therefore, define what it is that you think you are doing or not doing and what you would be doing if you were confident.
LYNDA: I guess I think I wouldn't be as triggered and take things so personally if she doesn't 100 percent agree with me or gets irritated with me. It feels demeaning.
ELIAS: Therefore, what is your perception of what you WOULD do if you were more confident?
LYNDA: I would just let it roll of my back and probably talk to her more succinctly, maybe not get flustered? And pause and say, “Well, just don't blow it off so fast. I think I know what I'm saying here. I want you to pay attention to it.” Or something like that – rather than retreat and throw the baby out with the bathwater because she doesn't like my suggestion.
I would express myself more confidently about what I am trying to convey. Not that I...
ELIAS: Meaning… ? Use another word for confidence. You would express yourself more… ?
LYNDA: Boldly? No. Boldly, more assured – self-assured. No, because I am pretty self-assured when I send my things out. Less… ?
ELIAS: No. You would express yourself more what? What would the word be that you would insert into that sentence?
LYNDA: I think confidently.
ELIAS: Without using the word confidence.
LYNDA: Oh. Empowered? Assured. No, that's not it.
ELIAS: (Pause) Strongly?
LYNDA: Strongly! Not strongly in the sense of pushing, but certainly stronger and more directed, I think. Assured.
ELIAS: (Slight pause) When she expresses a disagreement with you, or when she dismisses some expression with you, (slight pause) do you automatically question yourself?
LYNDA: (Quietly) I do.
ELIAS: What do you question?
LYNDA: That I'm not seeing what she’s seeing, and maybe I should take another look. And then on closer reflection, in hindsight, I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry I questioned myself, because I think it's good what I said.
My immediate response is to question… I’m not like her, that I'm not seeing what she’s seeing, so I question myself. (Inhales) That's not quite clear either. Sorry, that may be confusing.
ELIAS: No. You are not being confusing. You are confusing yourself, but...
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: What I am asking is, (pause) when she expresses in that manner, do you automatically question yourself in regard to thinking or perceiving that you are wrong?
LYNDA: Yes!
ELIAS: Do you?
LYNDA: No.
ELIAS: No.
LYNDA: I don't.
ELIAS: No, you don't.
LYNDA: I don't. It FEELS like I do!
ELIAS: No, you do not.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: You question precisely what you defined. You question what she is seeing that you are not seeing. You are questioning HER.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: You are not questioning you. You are not questioning whether you are WRONG or not.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: You are pausing, for you are attempting to evaluate what she is thinking or what she is seeing that is different from you.
LYNDA: Right. Okay.
ELIAS: But you are not questioning whether you are WRONG or not.
The reason I am expressing this to you is to first of all allow you to define more clearly what it is that you are looking at, what you are experiencing and this piece of confidence, for (pause) that actually is not necessarily a piece of confidence.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: Your hesitation, or your alteration in your demeanor and your tone, therefore either expressing with her in a manner in which you raise your tone or you diminish your tone – either [one]. If you raise your tone, that is a defense. If you diminish your tone, that is shrinking.
LYNDA: Mm-hm.
ELIAS: And in that, THAT aspect IS a part of confidence. It is not necessarily questioning whether you are wrong or not; you are not necessarily questioning that. You are not necessarily questioning yourself in your ability or in your perception of a situation or an expression.
What you ARE doing that does involve an aspect of confidence is not generating that balance in which you can be experiencing that initial questioning of her perception – and you are not necessarily questioning that in a right-or-wrong manner either. You are questioning what it is.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: You are attempting to evaluate in that initial moment what her perception actually is, for it is confused, or you do not understand what she may be expressing.
Let me express in this manner, in a hypothetical situation: You engage her, you offer her a suggestion, she expresses a response and disagrees with you and begins to express herself in an entirely different manner and is saying other information that in that moment your initial immediate response is confusion, for your perception is she did not address what you expressed.
LYNDA: Whoa! That's exactly right.
ELIAS: And therefore the first experience is being confused.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: “I said this, and she said this, and she is not responding to what I said. She is not addressing to what I said.” That creates the initial immediate confusion. Then from that, within a split second you are attempting to evaluate, “What is she thinking? What is she seeing? What is her perception?” Now you are attempting to evaluate.
Now; in this, let us say this is a conversation. She is expressing herself in somewhat of a strong or forceful manner, which is not always confidence. Individuals mistake strong expressions or forceful expressions as confident, and they are not the same.
In that, as the conversation ensues, or as her monologue ensues, you are beyond that initial one or two seconds of confusion and then attempting to evaluate what is the difference, what difference is she expressing and what is she seeing and what is her perception. Not giving yourself an immediate answer – which is what you are looking for, an immediate answer, which you will not give yourself, first of all, and remember that.
LYNDA: Okay (laughs).
ELIAS: But when you do not give yourself that immediate answer, THEN you shrink.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: And it all occurs very quickly.
LYNDA: Yes, it does.
ELIAS: And it occurs so quickly that it all appears to be a blur and it appears to be one action.
LYNDA: Yes.
ELIAS: Of shrink.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: Which, it is not one action. There are several actions that are occurring in that very short time framework.
Now; in that, then you shrink. Then you EITHER slightly bluster, ...
LYNDA: Yes.
ELIAS: ...OR you retreat.
LYNDA: A little of both, is what happened.
ELIAS: Yes. For what is occurring is, you are reacting to the tone, and therefore you express the defense first. There are different actions you are engaging in all of this.
LYNDA: Right, I see that now. I see that now.
ELIAS: You are reacting in defense first, for you are reacting to the most obvious, which is the tone – not what is being said, but the tone. Therefore you first react to the tone. That creates the bluster. Then within a second, you are then reacting to the confusion and not knowing, and then you retreat, and the tone becomes quieter and quieter and then you stop engaging.
LYNDA: I do.
ELIAS: Then you stop speaking. And in that, when you stop speaking, then you are generating significant confusion, for you are attempting to force yourself to listen but it is difficult to listen while inside of you there is turmoil that is occurring and a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that you are not even identifying.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: It is merely a whirlwind.
LYNDA: Yeah.
ELIAS: Now; –
LYNDA: (Sighs) Oh boy.
ELIAS: Not all of this involves confidence. First of all, it is a matter of recognizing that at times she is expressing herself confidently. I would express in percentages, likely 50% of the time she is expressing herself confidently. The other 50% of the time she is being forceful, for she is unclear and unsure also, and SHE equates forceful with confidence.
LYNDA: Yeah.
ELIAS: It is not.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: But she equates it in that manner. Therefore if she is uncertain, she may be slightly more forceful, and that is a method that she uses to then produce the confidence. “I am uncertain in this moment, but if I push and force through I will become confident.” And generally she does. It is not a tremendously beneficial method, but it does accomplish moving her into that confident expression eventually.
Now; that is the first point, not to confuse forcefulness with confidence. They are not the same. The next point is (slight pause) recognizing that there are moments in which you initially genuinely do not understand.
LYNDA: (Whispers) That’s not bad. (Louder) That’s not bad.
ELIAS: (Quietly) That is not bad.
LYNDA: Thank you.
ELIAS: That is very common between individuals. What is detrimental is when they do not admit to themselves that they do not understand, and therefore ignore that factor and react.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: You may speak the same physical language, but there are dialects in your language that are very different, and that has to do with different aspects of each individual. You may use the same words, (chuckling) but there are many factors in your language when you are interacting with each other that you use differently, and therefore you do not always immediately understand each other.
This is a very significant point, and the reason it is a significant point is that this is what you react to. And rather than reacting, if you stop in that moment and notice and acknowledge, “I actually do not understand. I do not know what she is seeing. I do not understand what she is thinking.” It is not you in relation to the doing aspect; it is merely you do not understand that that gives you choices. For then in that moment acknowledging that you do not understand, you can calmly express (voice lowers), “I do not understand.”
Simple. Then it is to the other individual to reconfigure, to explain, or to aid you to understand. And in that, until you understand, your responsibility is only to continue to express, “I do not understand.”
LYNDA: Can I use this particular email as an example? Our new web developer, who is not hired until May 4th, has been connecting with me, and his last connection had to do with his opinion about various things related to new software we're looking at and equipment purchases I might make on his behalf. And I felt he had a lot of solid, balanced things to say that might create a good connection for the owner – and I threw my supervisor in, but I was mostly thinking of the owner, who is changing with the wind every five minutes about software and there's a lot of confusion there. So I wrote my supervisor and said, “I think this guy is pretty balanced, it would be good to set up a time, I think, before he comes in.” And knowing that my supervisor doesn't want him to have anything to do until he starts the clock on Monday, I said, “To be honest with you I think it would go a long way with him calming the waters with the owner and then to have you be there in the phone conversation.”
Her comment about my email was, “He is irritating me! He's too pushy, and he's asking too many… He doesn't need to do this until he understands the business. He doesn't know anything about our business.” And my first thought was, he's a computer programmer. He understands enough about what we're looking for.
ELIAS: No, stop. No, stop.
LYNDA: No, stop?
ELIAS: Stop.
LYNDA: Okay, in my...
ELIAS: Stop in your explanation. Stop in your recounting.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: In that moment, in that piece, …
LYNDA: Yeah.
ELIAS: … that is a display of the reverse, which is important also.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: That is a display of HER not understanding.
LYNDA: Oh!
ELIAS: The points of what you were expressing, and you connecting with this individual, was precisely that. He doesn't know the business and he doesn't know the individuals and he is attempting to do so.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: To give himself that information to be more effective in what he will be doing with his job. That was what you were engaged with: helping him TO know the business and the people involved.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: You are agreeing and you missed the point. (Pause) She expressed, “He's irritating me, he doesn't know the business, he doesn't know the people, he doesn't know what he’s doing,” and you immediately react!
LYNDA: Right. I didn't verbally react.
ELIAS: I am understanding.
LYNDA: I reacted inside.
ELIAS: You immediately react and are confused, for you are thinking in the direction of “You did not even address what I said.” She DID. SHE did not understand what you were doing. She reacted to not understanding what you were doing, and you reacted to her reaction, rather than remaining with what YOU were doing and merely expressing to her in response, “Yes, you are correct! That is why I am doing this! That is why I am engaging with him, and that is why we were attempting to connect with the owner and with you, that he would be given more information about the business, about you.” But you became distracted with her reaction.
This is an important point. This is the piece about the questioning.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: Not questioning yourself; you automatically react by questioning her. What is she thinking and feeling and what is her perception? What does she see? What direction is she moving in? And you lose sight of what you are doing, which what you are doing is her explanation to quell that confusion.
LYNDA: Okay. I hear you.
ELIAS: Are you understanding?
LYNDA: I do. I do.
ELIAS: Therefore, it is a matter of not “confidence;” it is a matter of untangling the reactions.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: Her expression was a reaction, and then you react to her reacting rather than HEARING the reaction and thinking about what you are doing. Hearing her reaction, “He does not know this, this, this. He is irritating me, for he does not know this, this.” Rather than reacting to her reaction, HEARING what the reaction is – “I am irritated” – for, in her perception, you explained the entire picture and you did not even see it, but you explained it. In her perception, he begins work May 4th. Until May 4th he is not officially working, therefore he is not being paid. (Pause) And her perception, her questioning, her confusion, her not understanding is “What is he doing? He is not working.”
LYNDA: Pretty black and white.
ELIAS: But you had the answer.
LYNDA: I tried.
ELIAS: “What is he doing? This is what he is doing.”
LYNDA: Oh.
ELIAS: Listen to her question! Her question, which is posed in the form of a statement but it is a question. It is, “What is he doing? He does not begin work until this date. Why is he working?” [And the answer would be] “He is not working.”
[The timer for the session rings]
“He is giving himself information. He is familiarizing himself with the business, and I am aiding him in doing that, therefore he can do a more efficient job when he begins working.” You had all that information. That was what you were actually doing.
LYNDA: But I wasn't confident enough to really get that.
ELIAS: It was not ABOUT confidence. No.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: It was NOT about confidence, for if you know what you are doing, you ARE confident.
LYNDA: I do know what I'm doing.
ELIAS: No. If you DEFINE what you are doing.
LYNDA: Oh.
ELIAS: Not if you know how to do something.
LYNDA: No, no, I...
ELIAS: If you can define clearly what you are doing, what you are engaging, and see that that bluster, that statement from her is actually a question: “I’m irritated because he is working and he does not begin work until this date.” That is not actually a statement. It is indirect and it is unclear, but what it actually is is a question: “What is he doing? I'm irritated because I do not know what he is doing.”
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: When you allow yourself to pause, not REACT to her reaction, you will discover much of what you generally do react to…
LYNDA: Is bouncing of off her.
ELIAS: … is reacting to her reactions, and her reactions are generally questions, even though they are posed in the form of statements.
LYNDA: Okay. That helps me.
ELIAS: And when you are reacting to her reacting, you forget what you are DOING. When you remember what you are doing, it is not a matter of confidence. You ARE confident in what you are doing. You ARE confident with this other individual that you are doing your job, that you are being helpful, that you are moving in the direction with the business and being efficient, and you ARE confident in that. And you would be confident in that also with her if you remember what you are doing. You forget what you are doing by reacting to her reaction.
LYNDA: And, I think in a moment I trigger past associations with her and threats, and I think that compounds it, and I’m pretty confident I can move forward and get through it, and I did. And I appreciate this explanation because that takes me another step.
Okay, so maybe I won't leave so fast. (Elias chuckles) It's quite a challenge. Thank you. I heard you. You know me, “the pause that refreshes” is one of my challenges. (Both laugh)
Okay, never mind about I won't need a job immediately. I'm not going to worry about that. It's kinda fun for me, actually.
God, we've been talking about this for 13 years. Oh my god.
All right, I’m gonna move another step here. May I? I know you like me; stop it. If I could just like me more.
Okay. (Sighs) I just want to acknowledge that there’s two more desires that I have that seem – not just two, I'm sure, but I don't want to go into them too much except I put my book on Kindle. I revised my preface on the Kindle page for my book, and it was so exciting to do that and I was so EMPOWERED that I did that, and it was really, in the grand scheme of marketing, a spit in the ocean. (Laughs, and Elias chuckles)
But I felt like I just got it out there, and then I even posted it on Facebook with the link. It was a huge step for me, and I just want to acknowledge. And then I went into an eclipse of working every day like I do with my book, and I just write every day, and... I just want to acknowledge that it’s a pretty strong desire to get it out there, and the steps I’m taking in my life now are going to be so I can do that and not hopefully give too much of a shit that people think I'm a crazy wacko. (Elias laughs) Would you agree with me that that's my deep desire?
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: And the partner is a deep desire. And I don't know what to do about Match, but it sure doesn't look like it's going to happen on Match, but right now I’m still on Match. It's one of those deep desires that you just shake your head and go, “I couldn't tell you.” (Elias laughs) And I'm afraid of what that means, so tell me not to be afraid of what that means. That would be good, just to relax about it.
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: And not worry, because it’ll be great regardless of what it is.
ELIAS: Yes. And remember: –
LYNDA: What?
ELIAS: Timing.
LYNDA: Right! Timing; it’s all timing.
Okay. Two more things – three. I was thinking that I would put chia seeds back in my life but just two tablespoons a day and it won't hurt my respiratory system. I feel like two, even three at the most would be all right? Tablespoons? Or just two?
ELIAS: Two.
LYNDA: Two? But it's okay?
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: And I was thinking that I would only have to do my Max Trainer, instead of doing it six nights a week it may be okay to do it every other day?
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: Because I'm resting my joints, so four times a week is acceptable?
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: But I can stretch when I do Max, not even stretch every day.
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: Oh. Okay, good. I don't have much of an appetite, because I think my body’s finally fat burning, and I think I'm in what they call a sort of ketosis state? Which is a good thing; it's just unusual that I’m not that hungry although I’m a little bit hungry at night. Just tell me I’m okay with the no appetite and more regulatory there.
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: All right. Hey.
ELIAS: I would express to you that expressing a diminished appetite, for you, …
LYNDA: Is awesome! (Laughs) Right?
ELIAS: Should be sparking gratitude. (Laughs)
LYNDA: I am! Even though I eat more at night, the foods I’m eating are chemically producing the fat burning, so yeah. And I don't drink alcohol, seriously stopped. I mean once in a blue moon and it made me so sick. That's also pretty awesome. Just throwing that out there.
ELIAS: Congratulations.
LYNDA: Thank you very much.
And cats. Cats! I'm just giving them five different flavors. They can figure it out. (Elias laughs) And they seem okay. Is that acceptable? I mean, I never know! (Elias laughs) And now Gidget’s eating a little more wet food, because there’s five different things they can choose from. Are we good with that? Is everybody okay here? (Elias continues to laugh) It's all about them. Okay? Just say okay!
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: And I did trigger that thing about the association with Gilda and Gidget, and Gidget’s FINE.
ELIAS: I would agree. (Begins to laugh again)
LYNDA: I’ll just shut up now (as Elias continues to laugh). And… dear Lord!
Any closing remarks? Like besides “Put yourself in a home”?
ELIAS: (Laughs loudly) Relax.
LYNDA: Relax. (Elias chuckles) Yeah, I wanna get this techno stuff down, and I’m a little intimidated by it, so just… I want to get it all going on with the moderating and the website. Everybody’s more techie than me, but I kinda get the nuts and bolts.
ELIAS: It matters not. Stop comparing.
LYNDA: Right away. I'm going to do that right now. You and Jesus: “Do not compare yourselves one to another.” GOOD LUCK!
ELIAS: (Laughs, then both say simultaneously) Stop comparing.
LYNDA: Okay, fine. I'm gonna do that right now. (Elias chuckles) All right. Say hi to the Pope for me!
ELIAS: Very well. (Chuckling)
LYNDA: I mean you're going to Rome, right?
ELIAS: Ah!
LYNDA: You're going to Rome, and thanks a lot for the points about moving to Nebraska in the future. Not really – he didn't say that. (Elias continues to laugh) I just want to acknowledge you're getting pretty directed yourself in your old age. (Elias laughs) Woo hoo!
Okay. I'm done. I love you – really.
ELIAS: (Laughs loudly) Very well, and we shall continue our conversations. (Laughs)
LYNDA: Yes. Late May would be good.
Thanks for all your support (laughs).
ELIAS: You are very welcome, as always. (Chuckles)
LYNDA: Thank you. I love you.
ELIAS: Until our next meeting, tremendous lovingness to you. And stop worrying about your confidence.
LYNDA: Okay! (Both laugh) Thank you. Okay.
ELIAS: In tremendous affection, my dear friend, au revoir.
LYNDA: Au revoir.
(Elias departs after 44 minutes)
Copyright 2015 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.