The Influences of Desire
Topics:
“Desire Isn’t Discerning”
“Stream Analogy for Desire”
“Why Did I Choose That?”
Wednesday, August 3, 2022 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Lynda (Ruther)
ELIAS: Good morning!
LYNDA: I get to talk to you every week. (Elias chuckles) Rain, snow, sleet, hail. Somebody up there loves me. (Elias chuckles) In here, next to me, to the left, loves me.
Well, I think something’s changing inside of me, for the better. I am less stressed about my stress, meaning… Actually, I read something this morning from a session from 2007 and you reminded us all that in this moment, you are doing the best you can do and that never changes – and that eliminates regret. And I thought, regret, guilt, it eliminates that. And I thought that’s the reason I’m not going to go to therapy anymore, because I’m practicing dealing with memories realistically as they come up, but not… I’m genuinely not afraid of them like I used to be. I’m noticing I’m freer inside myself with my stuff.
I did have (laughs)… I had a status thing this week that came up. And I know I always start off with the good news – and it’s not bad news, it’s just I got a memory. Literally, a memory came up in my Facebook of the time that [my friends] came to Brattleboro six years ago, and it was a great picture of me and [all of us] in Brattleboro and I posted it, and then I had such a feeling of nostalgia. I felt like I’m not that girl anymore. I don’t look like that. I’m older. I can’t… I felt depressed, kind of depressed and I thought because they’re so flashy and pretty and they have money and they live in L.A. Then [a friend] wrote me a comment. [A gal] wrote and said, “You look beautiful,” and it was okay.
And I kept feeling this icky feeling inside myself, like I just live in little Vermont, I’m working at Walmart, this whole wave of discounting of myself came up, like I’m not good enough. And then (laughs) to top it off, [one of them] wrote me and said, “Why don’t you just hop on a plane next week and come to the high school reunion that we’re having?” I went, “If only. Maybe next year.”
And I thought, first I thought I can’t jump on a plane and leave Vermont right now. I’m working fulltime, I’ve got a cat, da-da-da. And I thought no, you don’t really want to jump on a plane and go to Los Angeles. If you wanted to, you could go. You don’t want to. Your life is good.
And that started me. I didn’t go there anymore. I let it go. But for a moment, it hurt. And then I let it go and I started being in my life here. And I thought, they’re in their lives, I’m in my life. I love them. I have good memories of them, but I’m not an L.A. girl anymore. So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it, but it was a status hit. I knew that. Right? Right. (Laughs and Elias chuckles)
Other than that, Mr. Lincoln, how did you like the play? I appreciated. I thought about this all week. When I got hysterical last week and told you that my job’s really hard, being able to tell you that and have you genuinely know that at times, not all the time but at times, it’s just damn hard, it meant the world to me. I didn’t feel like I had to be happy and sparky all the time. Thank you for that.
ELIAS: You are welcome.
LYNDA: I also think that, that I’m in my… This is what I do. I’m in my process. I go through things that are difficult for me, but the theme of being a support and genuinely being a support is throughout my whole life. And hanging with large groups of people that I have nothing in common with is also kind of part of my thing.
I (laughs) just want to clarify one little piece that bothers me. When we were first working through my… in 2018, when you were first talking to me about why I even went in the church in the first place, and sort of turning my back on my Jewishness to be, to have it be different, I didn’t want to… I was ashamed of my Jewishness.
(To Mary’s dog) Don’t even think about it, little girl. Just go over there. You have 27 toys.
I thought to myself, I think that’s why the thing with [my L.A. friends] was so hard for me, because I thought maybe I’m denying my true happiness and I should go – I’m just talking out loud – I should be with the people who I’m more comfortable with. And maybe I did something wrong so many years ago by going in the direction of being with a bunch of crazy church people that I have nothing in common with, then living in Vermont for ten years with people I have… that are different. And then now I’m working at Walmart. And I thought okay, wait. (Laughs) That’s not true. I chose this unusual path. It wasn’t bad. It may have been born out of not such a great thing, but it turned out to be beneficial all around. And I used it as a way to grow myself and be a person that I want to be, which is I guess what we do. I just wanted to make sure that the left turn I made from leaving my mom and being mad at her and not wanting to be Jewish, and sparking a whole other direction was not bad. It was purposeful. Thank you.
Right. Well, listen. It was great.
ELIAS: These are examples—
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: — of desire. This is what I have expressed to everyone about desire, that this is your engine that drives you. But it doesn’t take into account whether you like something, whether you don’t like something, whether something is comfortable, whether something isn’t comfortable or how you achieve that desire.
The desire that you have is to naturally express yourself with other people in any capacity and in every capacity. In this, let me say to you, it would be easy to say your desire is to be more aware of yourself and to grow. No. That’s not your desire. That IS a direction that most people have. Not all, but most people do incorporate a direction of that in some capacity in varying degrees in their life. But each person in harmony with their intent in one focus has a desire in that focus which IS in harmony with their intent. And in that, for you, that desire is to constantly be interactive with other people and to be connecting with them.
That doesn’t mean that you’re going to be doing that in every moment of your life. That doesn’t mean that in every section of your life you’re going to necessarily be doing that. What it does mean is that you’re going to move yourself in directions that will ultimately move you into those positions.
Now; that also doesn’t mean that it’s a black and white type of situation. As an example, moving yourself in the direction of the church, it doesn’t mean that for all that time that you were in the church you weren’t connecting with people or that you weren’t interactive with them or that you weren’t expressing some of your desire.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: You were.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: Not necessarily to the greatest degree that you could have, but you were moving yourself away from something that was bothersome, hurtful, and was difficult and disconnecting for you. Therefore, in that beginning time framework, yes you were angry. You were discontented. You felt disconnected. And in that, part of that had to do with your perception of your culture, your family, that that was something at the time that was generating a feeling of being disconnected and discontented and that you weren’t happy with.
Therefore you made choices and turned and moved in a direction of the church, which you thought this was a direction that you would be happy in and that you would be able to be connecting. And it was something very different. Ultimately, was that a direction that allowed you to fully express your desire? No. And did it have its challenges and difficulties? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that your desire wasn’t still moving you in a direction, which then led you in this direction.
LYNDA: Yes.
ELIAS: Which each time you made a significant change, it moved you more into the expression of your desire and allowed you to be connecting more and expressing that desire more. And then after a time, making this change to change your job and to move in that direction, which was also another what you might term to be radical change in your life. But that change actually moved you in a direction in which you have been able to express that desire more than ever before.
LYNDA: That’s fascinating. You’re right.
ELIAS: In this, your desire is moving and working throughout your entire life, and it’s moving you. It’s influencing you and motivating you in different choices and moving you in different directions. But the piece that many people don’t quite understand is that your desire isn’t discerning in relation to what you like or don’t like.
LYNDA: Okay. (Laughs)
ELIAS: And it isn’t moving you past or beyond issues.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: That throughout your life, you may have issues that are influencing the choices that you make.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: And that require addressing to, and that you may move beyond those issues eventually or at different times, but that in a manner of speaking that has nothing to do with your desire.
LYNDA: I love that.
ELIAS: Your desire is moving and motivating you and influencing you anyway. Your issues are involved in what choices you make and they’re influencing you in relation to HOW you express certain directions, but through it all your desire is moving regardless of all of those issues. It’s finding a way. If you are thinking about a stream, there can be many, many obstacles for a stream to flow. It’s going to find a way. Even if every way seems blocked, it will move underground and then move back above the ground and it will continue to flow, regardless. It doesn’t matter what those obstacles are.
And your desire is very similar to that. It continues to move and it continues to flow, and you continue to move with it. It might seem less obvious at some times, which may be the times that the stream is moving underground. It may seem as though your desire is not being expressed at all. That’s never happening. It’s always being expressed. It’s simply that whatever issues you have are more obvious and they seem to have the more objective, obvious influence. But the other is still there. It’s still constant.
And that’s what has happened within your life, which happens in everyone’s life.
LYNDA: Right. Right. Right. Right.
ELIAS: But for you, you can see how desire is moving you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s moving you in a comfortable direction.
LYNDA: Correct.
ELIAS: Or one that you necessarily like or one that you think you would choose. Because that’s what so many individuals express frequently: “Why would I choose this?” You did. (Lynda laughs) And you are.
LYNDA: And here you are.
ELIAS: That’s what humans do.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: And in that, you don’t always choose what you think is good. And even if you are choosing something that at some point you think isn’t good, and you’re expressing, “Why would I choose that?” at the time you likely DID think it was good, when you chose it. Even though you don’t know that you’re choosing it, you’re moving in a direction and moving out of one thing and into another thing. And whatever you’re moving out of and moving into, most people think that the thing that they’re moving into is good or better.
LYNDA: Because it motivates you to do that.
ELIAS: Correct.
LYNDA: Yeah. You create a motivation.
ELIAS: You might later—
LYNDA: “What was I thinking?”
ELIAS: — look back and think, “That was not good.” (Lynda laughs) “Why would I do that? And why would I choose that? I didn’t choose that. It was circumstances.” But no, you did choose it. And likely the reason that you chose it was because you did think at the time that it was a better situation than whatever the situation was that you were engaging at the time.
But in that, I would say that the, the example is that your desire is always being expressed, even if it’s difficult to see.
LYNDA: And I’m living that. I’m experiencing that. Okay. And here’s a side benefit. I have… I am motivated to eat healthy, in a way I never have been before. I’m not overeating. It’s becoming natural to me to… and there’s all these pieces in my little river, tributaries feeding this.
The money fear I had a couple of weeks ago, changing how my pay check comes, I have enough money when I need it, but I also am not overspending on buying food I don’t need. If I run out of eggs, I go to the store and get more eggs. It’s kind of fun and I’m eating healthy, and I’m not overeating. But I’m eating whatever I’m eating just like I like to eat.
And I feel good and I’m staying trim and I feel like I want to still present an attractive image. I’m more motivated than ever, which is stupid because I work at Walmart. I don’t know if this is the desire word, but I think it is. I’d like to be comfortable in my own skin, and I’m moving in that direction as part of the connecting thing, because being comfortable in my own skin will help me connect more freely. And it’s not a thing of being beautiful and glamourous and status, it’s genuinely expressing myself in my queen, AP way. That’s part of my, my personality. It’s part of me to feel attractive and expressive myself in that manner. But that’s happening.
I’m putting combinations of clothes together that I already have that are a little bit better than what I’ve been wearing. I don’t know. It’s all dovetailing together, and just this week it seems like, or the last two weeks. So yes, congratulations, but it’s all of a piece for me.
I can’t get on a plane and go to Los Angeles, because I don’t want to right now. Maybe someday I will want to get on a plane and go visit people and figure it all out, but not right now. I don’t know. It’s… It’s genuinely… I feel you’re validating, trusting the process. It doesn’t get any better than that for me, I’m telling you, after the meshuggas I’ve put myself through. And even when I’m crazy and I’m upset, it doesn’t last very long and I’m able to jump through it. Getting back on the trampoline every other day. Doing the whole thing that I’m doing. Noticing when I’m going, “It’s not enough. It’s not enough. You’re not jumping high enough.” Stop. Just jump the best you can.
You know, all of it, Elias, and I owe it all to connecting with you. Thank you very much, you rascal you. (Elias chuckles) It’s great, what you just said. If I wasn’t so nervous about talking about being ashamed to be Jewish, I’d publish this session. But (laughs)… I’m not really ashamed now. I’m like more Jewish than ever, actually. I have mezuzahs on my door. Hello?! The whole Jewish identity thing is... Not so much the whole thing with being clannish, I don’t like that. Okay I’m talking about being Jewish. Here’s the parts about being Jewish that I don’t like, the whole thing of who’s Jewish, who isn’t, although it’s interesting to me. I want to be Jewish because I am, but not be clannish and only hang out with Jewish people. Does that make sense?
ELIAS: Yes, but you are clannish because you—
LYNDA: I am clannish by nature because I’m Jewish?
ELIAS: You are clannish in that you generate a perception of family.
LYNDA: Oh. Well, yeah.
ELIAS: Which is clan.
LYNDA: Yeah, I’m… Whoa! In that sense, yes, I long for that sometimes. But I’m also a tribe-y person. That’s the connecting part. Everybody’s in my tribe. You don’t have to be Jewish to be in my tribe. I’m just saying, you don’t have to be Jewish to be in my tribe.
ELIAS: Correct.
LYNDA: That’s the bottom line.
ELIAS: Correct.
LYNDA: Although I know how to relate to Jews, being one. It’s the humor and the food, it’s not Moses. (Both chuckle) It’s the great wit and the ability to laugh and suffer at the same time. Who does that so great? We Jews. Anyway. (Both laugh) All right. Well, I don’t know what else to tell you.
(Singing) Ave Maria, gee it’s good to see you, doing the Vatican rag!
All right. I’m just… I don’t know. Thank you for that desire thing. I actually feel confident that my desire is flowing and you just validated it big time. It was that one little snippet (Elias chuckles) that made me happy. Anyway.
(Whispers) Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Dad. Sorry, everybody. No regrets. Who knew what I know now? Of course you’re dead, but we’ll meet again. (Elias chuckles) That’s it, folks!
Am I doing this again? Yeah, 29 minutes. Oh good.
I have enough money. The kids are going to come today to clean out the basement and start that ball rolling. I have enough money to pay, split it with Mary. I have enough. Everything’s okay. Don’t worry. And thank you. (Elias chuckles)
A good week. I’ll see you in my dreams, hold you in my arms, as always.
ELIAS: Very well. (Chuckles)
LYNDA: Say hi to everybody.
ELIAS: You say hi.
LYNDA: I always do. I walk by my mom’s picture in the kitchen. I get the number 176 a lot, not a lot but on occasion. That was her lucky number. When I’m doing a pick run, one of the order numbers could be 176. I go, “That can’t be you, Ma, because you’re dead,” but maybe it is? Is she… Does she know? Does she…? Never mind. I can’t bear for you to say no. (Laughs) Does Mom know I’m around yet? Does she…? How’s she doing?
[The timer for the end of the session rings]
That’s two questions.
ELIAS: She’s always known.
LYNDA: Oh. And she never not knows. And when we die, we always knew we knew, but not… I get it. Okay. So she’s okay. Of course, she’s doing things. I don’t care what she’s doing about not knowing she’s dead or not. It’s too much information. I just… Okay, Ma, I love you. Everybody standing over there, and Jasper, yes, come on by. (Elias chuckles)
All right. I love you. Good-bye. It’s just that… You know me. I can’t stand to have one less second of not being with you, so I try to make it last longer. (Elias chuckles) Okay.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) And I will engage you next week.
LYNDA: Yes, you will. Amen. Thank you. (Elias chuckles) I love you.
ELIAS: In tremendous love to you also.
LYNDA: Thank you.
ELIAS: And dear friendship.
LYNDA: Very dear.
ELIAS: As always.
LYNDA: As always.
ELIAS: Au revoir.
LYNDA: Au revoir.
(Elias departs after 31 minutes)
Copyright 2022 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.