Speaking to a Child about Abuse
Topics:
“Speaking to a Child about Abuse”
“Finding a Complement after Childhood Abuse”
Sunday, October 23, 2022 (Private)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Bonnie (Lyla)
(Audio begins partway through session)
BONNIE: Okay, I have another question from Katrin.
ELIAS: Very well.
BONNIE: (Reading) “At what age can you start a conversation with a child about a trauma it has experienced? Meaning speaking about verbal and physical abuse by a parent who is dead, and now starts to be idealized by the child.” (Pause)
She has a specific child in mind.
ELIAS: I am aware. I would say you can begin engaging conversations with children as young as six. (Pause)
BONNIE: And do you have a comment or two for her about how to go about that, or…?
ELIAS: (Pause) What I would say is, first of all never push. Second, don’t demonize the perpetrator. That it’s important to remember what I’ve expressed: every perpetrator has also been a victim and every victim becomes a perpetrator, in some capacity. It’s a natural cycle.
Now; in that, that’s one reason to not demonize the perpetrator, but another reason is that generally children do gravitate towards the perpetrator because they’re trying to be accepted. And in that, if the individual dies, if the individual is dead, the child will automatically glorify them because that’s their method to be accepted. If they couldn’t be accepted by the individual in physical focus when the individual was alive, they will create their own acceptance through the individual’s death.
And in that, it may take time. It’s important not to disagree. You can disagree, but not to the child. You don’t have to agree with the direction that the child is moving in, but don’t express that to the child. It takes time for them to move through a process and move to their own assessment. You can’t force that. You can’t make that happen.
Now; what you CAN do is to be continuously providing a safe environment for that child, one in which the child is aware and feels safe and can communicate and express themself freely to the individuals in their environment. The more the child feels safe, and the more the child can express themself, which includes creating stories about how wonderful the perpetrator was – that’s a part of it. That’s a part of their expression and that’s not to be argued with. It’s not to be discounted. It’s not to be corrected, because that’s their reality and that’s how they cope. They will eventually move to their own new assessments of that individual, based on their safe environment.
Therefore the more they are in a safe environment, the more they are allowed and encouraged to express themselves and that they don’t have to be afraid of the people in their environment, that no one is going to be harming them, the more they’ll move in the direction of reassessing their relationship with the other individual. But it will take time, because they have to establish themself. Not what you are establishing. THEY have to establish that they believe themselves to be safe, that they believe that they are important to the people in their environment, that they don’t have to prove themselves to gain the attention and the love and the care and the nurturing that they require and that they deserve.
All of these factors have to be a part of their environment continuously. And in that environment, eventually they will generate a different assessment of that individual.
Now; they will likely come to that conclusion anyway, but it will incorporate much more time if they’re not in a safe environment. Therefore some people don’t make those assessments until they may be in their third or fourth or fifth decade.
BONNIE: Oh my.
ELIAS: Depending upon what their environment is. And that’s not unusual because they’re likely going to draw people to them that aren’t safe.
BONNIE: Oh dear.
ELIAS: Because that’s what they know.
BONNIE: Okay.
ELIAS: That’s what they understand. That’s what’s automatic to them. That’s what they know. And therefore, that’s what they’re going to repeat. That’s what they’re going to draw to themselves.
This is also what I was expressing partially yesterday in our conversation about complements and then in that slight portion of our conversation in which I was discussing about people that have trauma and that haven’t resolved that yet, and then they automatically draw to themselves people that reflect those people that created the trauma in their lives.
BONNIE: Right.
ELIAS: And they will be very attracted to them. And that’s what’s going to create the fireworks. And in that, those are the people they should run away from. But those are the people they are very attracted to, because they have this unresolved trauma and because they haven’t yet had a safe environment around them to which the people around them are safe, are nurturing to them, are providing all of these expressions that they require. If they don’t have that, it’s going to require more time for them to move in a direction in which they begin to notice that something is amiss. Something’s wrong. They can’t seem to create a lasting relationship with other individuals or they can’t seem to create a comfortable relationship with other individuals. They will begin to question themselves: “What’s wrong with me?” first.
BONNIE: Exactly what I went through.
ELIAS: Yes. (Bonnie laughs) Yes. That’s the first direction, is “What’s wrong with me?” first.
BONNIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: Then they’ll start to question outside. Then they’ll start to question other people and begin to look at other people and begin to notice things in other people, and what’s wrong with them.
BONNIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: And then they’ll move in the direction of, “Why do I keep gravitating to these people that something’s wrong with?” Then they’ll eventually begin to recognize in relation to the trauma, and how that’s influenced them throughout their lives. And that will happen in varying degrees. They’ll notice some things. They’ll think that they’ve moved through it and then they’ll begin to notice other things that are also in play about how they relate, how they interact and how they connect with other people.
Therefore, the simple answer is, if the child can be provided with an environment in which the people in that environment are nurturing, supportive, encouraging, safe and accepting, and therefore not pushing, not forcing with the child but maintaining their role of being supportive, being encouraging, nurturing and safe, not trying to change the child, the child will eventually move in that direction. And the more they have that environment, the more quickly they will move in that direction.
BONNIE: Thank you. She’s going to appreciate that. She may decide to follow up with you also.
ELIAS: Very well.
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