Finding Complements
Topics:
“Finding Complements”
“Changed Dynamics of Relationships Over the Centuries”
“Why We Dismiss Complements”
“Falling in Love versus Being in Love”
“Society Behavior versus Home Behavior”
“Health Factors Related to the Shift in Dynamics”
Wednesday, October 26, 2022 (Private)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Denise (Azura)
[Initial personal material removed; audio begins partway through session]
DENISE: Oh! So when you were talking to Melissa about divining and finding complements, and you gave her… She could pay attention to what she does through the day and write down her traits, and then find complements to those and then you just put them on papers, and divining rods, stuff like that, I was so interested in that. I really thought you were going to touch on that Saturday when you said complements was one of the two subjects. How… I haven’t sat down to list my traits, but I know I would be stumped coming up with complements to those, because I’m not sure I fully understand that.
ELIAS: First, it is important for you to note down all of your traits, your automatic expressions, what you naturally generate, which includes all of the mundane expressions as we’ve discussed: what time you rise, what time you go to bed, what you do during the day, how do you do your laundry, how do you do your dishes.
DENISE: Okay. THAT. Okay.
ELIAS: All of these are important. Do you walk around in your socks or your bare feet? Do you take off your shoes when you enter your house or does it not matter? All these mundane, automatic actions that are actually important to you. They’re simply so familiar to you and they’re so automatic, you don’t think about it. That’s the reason that it’s important to go through your day. What do you do? Do you shower immediately after you rise, or do you do that later, or do you do it more than once, or do you do it in the evening? How many times do you brush your teeth? It’s a matter of looking at everything you do routinely every day.
Then, after you have listed all the things – which is considerable. You do a lot of things in every day and you do a lot of things automatically.
DENISE: So what about like I tend to leave my laundry and my dishes until there’s a big chunk to do at once, so it wouldn’t be a daily thing? So, would I write down that I left it or…?
ELIAS: You write down precisely that: I do—
DENISE: Add it to the pile of dishes.
ELIAS: Correct.
DENISE: Okay.
ELIAS: “I only do dishes once they pile up.” “I only do laundry once it piles up.”
Now; someone that does dishes constantly throughout the day, that might be a complement to you if they, if it doesn’t bother them that there’s constantly dishes being put in the sink, if it’s something that they enjoy doing. Some people find it meditative to do dishes or to do laundry. If it’s something that they do in that capacity and they enjoy doing it, then they might be a complement to you because they don’t mind that there’s a constant flow of that. If they are an individual that is somewhat more fastidious and doesn’t want to see dishes in the sink, they want it to be clear and clean all the time, that’s not going to be a complement because then you’re going to have a conflict.
DENISE: Yeah.
ELIAS: If… This is the reason that I used—
DENISE: Yeah, I lived with someone like that.
ELIAS: This is the reason that I use the example frequently of the shoes. If you’re an individual that wants your shoes to be removed when you enter your house and you, let us say, wear house shoes, house slippers, and in that, if you’re that type of individual, you’re likely the type of individual that wants other people to remove their shoes when they come in the house. If you are partnering with someone that never does that, this is what you think of as a small action but it accumulates and it creates conflict and eventually it creates resentment. And something as small as removing your shoes or not removing your shoes can actually break a relationship.
DENISE: How does that work if—
ELIAS: It doesn’t have to be something tremendously significant, because it IS significant. It’s important to you and you will have reasons why it’s important to you, because everyone has reasons for what they do and why those things that they do are important to them.
And let me make this very clear: it doesn’t matter how many times you tell someone else something. It doesn’t matter that in your head, they should know you and therefore they should know that this bothers you. They likely do, but they forget. And the reason they forget is because it’s not important to them.
DENISE: Mary and Lynda. (Laughs)
ELIAS: Yes.
And now; let me say to you also, that’s a very unusual situation. Most people, and when I say most people, since all of you love percentages so well, I would say 95-96% of people would not generate any type of relationship in relation to their differences. That is very unusual because they are such consistent opposites in everything.
Some opposites actually can be complementary—
DENISE: Right. That’s my question.
ELIAS: — but not everything. And when people early begin to get to know each other, those factors will become obvious very quickly. And when people are that different, that opposite, that’s not to say you can’t be accepting of each other, but you likely wouldn’t even form a friendship. You likely wouldn’t even maintain an acquaintanceship. If it was someone that you work with at a job, you would likely, in your terminology, stay out of each other’s way. You would avoid each other as much as possible because there’s too much to overcome. Which is not wrong or bad. It’s something that is natural for all of you. That’s the reason it’s so unusual for anyone to have that type of a relationship, and especially to move it into a friendship. That’s very unusual.
But back to what IS usual. Yes. Sometimes opposites ARE a complement, such as with the dishes. If someone likes to do the dishes and they want to do them all the time, and they like to do them after—
DENISE: And it’s not because they’re piled up and bothering them.
ELIAS: No. They will—
DENISE: it’s just because “Oh, look I get to do this.” Yes.
ELIAS: They will usually do them as they occur and not let them pile up.
DENISE: Ah.
ELIAS: And in that, that’s an opposite and that can be a complement.
Now; the other opposite is someone who is very fastidious about that. That’s an opposite also, but a different kind of opposite and that wouldn’t be a complement.
DENISE: Okay. I wanted to ask, like you gave the example Saturday of how smoking could be a deal-breaker, but if there’s so many complements that would override that, how does that work with what you’re talking about, like taking my shoes off versus not?
ELIAS: It could be anything. I used that as an example because it’s an extreme and because most people that don’t smoke are very repelled by people that do. But it could be anything. You could use that as anything. If you have enough complements, if you are very complementary to each other and there are one or two expressions that are not, that otherwise would be very important to you, such as removing your shoes, you automatically will override those if you have enough complements together.
Then what happens with tremendous complements is that that allows you to concentrate and pay attention to how much you love this person and how much you like them and how easy everything flows between you. Therefore, it allows you to focus on those aspects, which of course whatever you pay attention to you create more of, and therefore you simply keep enhancing how much you care about them, how much you love them, your affection for them, how much you appreciate them. You concentrate on those factors rather than only the pieces that are important to you. Which that’s very natural, to pay attention to the pieces that are important to you.
That’s the reason that that can be something that will actually ultimately dissolve a relationship if there’s too much friction. And that happens very frequently, especially I would say in the direction of relationships in your past (pause) 60 to 65 years. In this past 60 to 65 years, the dynamic changed in regard to relationships. Before that, there was a very strong dynamic in place throughout your history in which male individuals were dominant, and male individuals set the rules and the female individuals were generally subservient to that.
And now; let me also say that for the most part, with the exception of what you recognize as the dark ages in your history, medieval times – not renaissance, but medieval times and the dark ages – other than that, that and your second half of your 19th century and all of your 20th century, the dynamics shifted in which women were still, to a degree, subservient but were somewhat rebellious in that because those two periods of time are the two periods of time in your history in which people weren’t necessarily connecting with each other as complements. Because that dynamic of the male individuals being dominant was in play, people automatically moved in a direction of drawing complements to each other. It became something that was very natural and that’s the reason that there was very little conflict even in relation to a dominant and a subservient role in these relationships.
Now; in the dark ages, that didn’t happen. People weren’t drawing to themselves complements and therefore, in the dark ages, male individuals were more viewed and perceived as being tyrants. In the 20th century and half of the 19th century, male individuals were being more viewed as tyrannical than in any other time framework, other than the dark ages. And that was for a different reason. That was simply because women were moving in a different direction and were not necessarily in agreement with those dominant roles. But in that, because women weren’t in agreement with that anymore, it threw off that dynamic in which both male and female individuals would naturally draw themselves as complements, and you forgot how to do that. And you forgot what that was about. And now—
DENISE: Well we know what it looks like where both were equals, right? Or not, not… where we weren’t subservient, I guess.
ELIAS: But you see, even though those were the roles, it was somewhat insidious because the male individuals, even though they were in this role of being dominant, were very much looking to the female for direction. And even though the women were the role of being subservient—
DENISE: They still wore the pants in the family, so to speak?
ELIAS: Behind the scenes, yes. Yes. They were very directing. Therefore that’s how they naturally did move in directions of complementing each other. In the second half of the 19th century, that started to change. Female individuals began to move in a rebellious direction and they kept moving in that direction throughout the 20th century more and more and more and more. And the more they did that, the more it unraveled that dynamic between male and female individuals and being able to naturally draw themselves in complements. They stopped doing it and you all forgot how.
Therefore NOW you’re moving back in that direction, but you don’t know how to do it.
DENISE: Correct. (Laughs)
ELIAS: That’s the reason that this information about complements is so very important, because as you see throughout your 20th century but much more so, it’s been much more emphasized in the second half of your 20th century until present time, that to engage an enduring, lasting relationship in a partnership has become the anomaly.
DENISE: Yeah. Yeah.
ELIAS: It’s unusual, and people notice if someone is engaging in a relationship for 20+ years and are not moving in the direction of dissolving that. That’s unusual now. And even with some individuals that have been in relationships for 30+ years, then they still dissolve, because they weren’t those complements to begin with.
DENISE: My, all my parents and my aunts and uncles have all been together forever, but they’re not happy. I think, well, I can think of one that’s maybe happy. I’m not sure, but…
ELIAS: That’s part of it. And that’s the reason that—
DENISE: So they paired without being complements?
ELIAS: Correct. And that’s the reason that it’s also not unusual for individuals to have – older individuals – to have relationships in which they’ve been partners for 25, 30, 35 years and then they divorce, because they’re not happy. But many of them remain together simply because it’s familiar.
DENISE: It hasn’t become uncomfortable enough to do something about it.
ELIAS: Correct. Correct. But in that, you can see how they’re not happy. And the reason they’re not happy is because they’re not complements.
DENISE: I was intrigued when you said Saturday that we may have met complements and dismissed them, for whatever, the criteria list.
ELIAS: It’s a combination of the criteria list and your parents.
DENISE: Yeah. Yeah. We talked about that.
ELIAS: And in that, yes, even if you don’t necessarily have trauma, you also may have issues because, just as you expressed, there are many individuals that have remained together in partnerships that aren’t happy. And they have children, and that’s what their children learn and that’s the example that they have. Therefore, when they become adults or of age that they would be looking for a partner, they’re looking for the wrong partner because they are automatically drawn to what reflects their parents.
And the difficulty with that is that you don’t think about your parents at all, and generally those individuals that reflect your parents, those are the ones that you’re tremendously drawn to, you’re very sexually attracted to them, you’re attracted to them otherwise and you get the fireworks. Therefore everything seems to point to “This is the perfect match for me. I’m so in love with this person.” No, you’re not. You’re generally simply intensely attracted to them and you misinterpret that as being in love with them. And that’s also the reason that eventually you begin to create resentment and irritation and then you express, “I fell out of love with them.” No. You didn’t fall out of love and you didn’t fall in love. You love someone or something and that never stops. Once you express love for something, it never goes away.
Now; that doesn’t mean that you would necessarily fit as a couple, but you also recognize you didn’t fall out of love with them. And this idea of falling in love with someone, that is about attraction. Being in love with someone, THAT is the experience – not falling in love with someone, but being in love with someone that you are in a relationship with – that is the expression of recognizing that love that you have for them and that appreciation, and experiencing that appreciation on a daily basis.
And that creates that situation where you’re AWARE that you love this individual. Therefore you are “being in love.” But “falling in love,” no. You don’t “fall in love” and you don’t “fall out of love” either. Those are simply expressions that you have developed in relation to attractions that are very intense and then they go away, and then you’ve “fallen out of love.” (Denise laughs) No, you didn’t. (Both laugh)
DENISE: I wanted to get a clarification about something you said a while back, where you brought up the romance novels that I like to read, and how there’s love at first sight and fireworks. And you pointed out that that DOES happen and could happen, like that was something I should look for. But now I’m hearing you don’t want to look for that. So…
ELIAS: They’re also using the terminology that is very familiar to all of you, “falling in love.”
DENISE: Right.
ELIAS: And if you meet someone that IS a significant complement to you and you have a significant attraction to them, you might generate those fireworks from the very beginning. But that’s a matter of knowing that you have looked at your association with your parents, you have looked at anything that has to do with issues in regard to relationships, friendships or otherwise. You have looked at anything that has to do with trauma, and you’ve addressed to all of those things already, yourself. Then you would be ready and open to drawing yourself to a genuine complement.
And you wouldn’t have to necessarily tremendously look for them. You would – and I very much encourage this, very, very much. If you transcribe that, underline it – I would say that it’s still important to be aware of what you naturally generate. I would still very much encourage anyone and everyone that wants to engage a relationship to generate that list, and to look at it and then to be aware of what would be a complement. And then, when you are drawn to somebody you can simply observe and pay attention, and then you know whether the individual is fitting into that complement.
Now; let me also say to you, when you generate that list of what you do and you’re examining it and evaluating, “What would be a complement to me in this?” it’s not as difficult to come up with that answer as you may think. Because if you, if you say to yourself, “I like to wait until I have a lot of laundry before I do it, and then I do it all at one time,” and “I, when I do it all at one time, I wash it, I dry it, I fold it, I put it away.” Very well. What would be a complement to that? Someone who also does that?
ELIAS AND DENISE: Not necessarily.
ELIAS: Because in that, then you think about it. “If I am engaged with someone who also does that, can I visualize that? And what do I feel about that? Do I feel uncomfortable because now twice as much laundry is piling up?”
DENISE: Yeah. And then it’s overwhelming.
ELIAS: “And now it’s going to be overwhelming because now it’s not simply going to take me a day to wash all of this laundry but two or three days. That’s overwhelming. Therefore, no, that won’t be a complement.”
“Someone who does the laundry all the time? Is that going to be a complement to me? How do I feel about that? Can I visualize that situation? Hm. That might not be a complement either, because I might begin thinking about we’re using too much water and electricity.”
DENISE: Yes.
ELIAS: “And we’re not being efficient.”
DENISE: Efficient. Yes.
ELIAS: Therefore that’s not necessarily going to be a complement, either. “Someone who does laundry with full loads, but does it frequently, therefore perhaps does laundry every day for the both of us? Perhaps. Let me visualize that. Is the individual going to complain about it? Are they going to walk through the house and be passive aggressive about it (Denise laughs) and be grumbling and saying, ‘Why am I always the one that’s doing the laundry? Why is this not a shared activity?’” Now, they’re not addressing you but they’re grumbling through the house, complaining about it. Is that going to be a complement? Definitely not.
“Someone who is wanting to do the laundry every day and is being efficient and likes to fold it? And likes to put it away? And asks me would I rather have this hung up or would I rather have it folded in a drawer?” That is a complement. (Denise laughs) I like that. That’s a complement.
DENISE: Yeah. So is it a complement and not wishful thinking? That’s… Because I’m just like, this whole… Not having the example at home, this all just seems like fairy tale, but…
ELIAS: But it’s also YOU are a complement to the other individual.
DENISE: Ah!
ELIAS: Therefore you have your list of what is natural for you. You have a basic idea in that list of what would be a complement to you. Then when you meet an individual and you start noticing, “Oh, this individual does have a lot of complementary expressions to me. What do I complement them in?” And in that, it’s simply a matter of noticing, once again. What do they do? Because you already know what you do, therefore observing what they do. And how do you respond to it? And do you respond in any capacity that seems to be bothersome to them? Or are they repeating themselves about something, such as the shoes? Are they telling me over and over again to do something?
Because what happens when either of you do that is you automatically begin to move in the direction of, “If this person loved me, they would pay attention.” No, it has nothing to do with whether they loved you or not. You can love someone very much—
DENISE: That’s putting your guidelines on them.
ELIAS: Precisely. And it’s also creating expectations: “This is important to ME. Therefore they should know.” No. First of all, they’re not going to know unless you tell them. And if you have to tell them something repeatedly, it’s not that they don’t love you or don’t care about you, it’s – and it’s not that they’re not listening to you. They are, in the moment, but then they forget because it’s not important to them. And then you have, “How can it not be important to them? It’s important to me.”
DENISE: Yeah. Yeah.
ELIAS: These are all the tangled directions that you move in, when you’re NOT complements. And how you justify that irritation and that disappointment, that you’re not necessarily thinking that you’re being disappointed, but you are because you’re substituting anger for disappointment. You become angry, which is “you have no choices”. You become angry because you’re not familiar with that expression of being disappointed in the other individual.
Or if you’re not angry, you’re expressing that your feelings are hurt, and that is excellent because that is an excellent example of your feelings are your feelings. The other individual isn’t hurting your feelings. You’re creating a feeling and you’re not paying attention to what that statement is, which is usually disappointment.
DENISE: So okay, we’re talking about stuff we do in our daily lives at home and when we meet someone new, we’re not going to… We’re not going to see each other in that environment necessarily.
ELIAS: Ah! But that also is something that should change. In this past century, let us say, of time you’ve changed the dynamic. And in changing the dynamic, then what you’ve done is you’ve created different actions of how you connect. Because you’re not connecting as complements. You’re not looking for a complement. You’re only moving in the direction of attraction.
DENISE: Even for friendship? Or is this romantically-speaking…?
ELIAS: This is romantic relationships. For friendships you’re more likely to be automatically still moving in the direction of complements, but you don’t move in the direction of putting as much emphasis on that complementary expression because you compartmentalize with friendships.
DENISE: Okay. Okay.
ELIAS: Therefore it’s not as important. As long as you’re not opposites, as long as you’re not so different that you’re creating friction between you all the time, then you’re moving in directions of some complements and that’s enough.
But with romantic relationships, with partnerships, that’s different. And—
DENISE: The dynamic has changed. How we meet.
ELIAS: How you meet and what you do when you meet. Therefore before, people would be more inclined to be engaging with each other in natural settings. Invite one to your home, you’re invited to the other individual’s home for a meal. That gives you a considerable amount of information. As soon as you walk into another individual’s home, the first thing you’re doing regardless of whose home you’re in is observing everything around you in the environment. And you’re making notes.
DENISE: Yep.
ELIAS: You’re noting if this individual is messy, if this individual is clean, if this individual is simply tidy but not fastidious, if this individual is antiseptic, if this individual is very messy, if this individual has piles of clothes around or if everything seems to be in its place. You’re going to observe how the other individual moves in their environment, what they do. Are they more comfortable being a host or hostess themself or are they comfortable with you helping? Are they moving in a direction in which they will delegate or will they simply allow you to jump in and start doing whatever? You’re going to observe how they naturally move and what their natural environment is.
You don’t do that any longer for the most part because since you changed the dynamic, you also changed the rules. Now what you do is you don’t move in the direction of looking for a complement or observing a complement. You go out to dinner. You go out when you engage each other. You go to the theater. You go to a movie. You go to a museum. You’re not in each other’s space arrangement. You’re outside, in neutral territory. And there is nothing to observe, or there is very little.
And it’s very difficult to observe, because people aren’t going to behave the same in neutral territory as they do in their own environment or in your environment. They’re going to behave differently. This is also the reason that people are dating for months, perhaps six months, perhaps even a year, and then suddenly they decide to move in together and everything seems to crumble. And they’re expressing, “I guess the honeymoon period is over.” (Denise laughs)
What is the expression of the honeymoon period? What IS that? How do you define that? What that is, is that it isn’t that each individual is on their best behavior. It’s that they’re behaving differently than they would at home, because they’re outside the home. Now they’re in a social situation. Now they have to interact with the rules of society, not the rules of their home. Therefore, it’s not that they’re on their best behavior when they’re outside of the home. It’s that they’re following the rules of society. Therefore, they’re behaving differently. They don’t have to follow the rules of society in their own home, or in your home.
DENISE: It wouldn’t be home if we did.
ELIAS: Precisely. Therefore, that’s what the honeymoon period is. The honeymoon period is unrealistic. It’s society behavior, not home behavior. In this, that became the situation in the last century because the dynamic changed. This all happened because female individuals changed the dynamic. And you can argue that could be good or bad, but I would say that it’s not about good or bad. It’s simply about changes. And when you change a dynamic with something, it shifts the direction of it. And when you shift the direction of something, then many times you sacrifice certain things, you, if you shift the dynamics strongly enough.
You shifted the dynamic strongly enough in this situation that not only complements became sacrificed. Many aspects of physical health became sacrificed. Women have more infertility. Men have more difficulties with prostates. Women have more difficulties with female organs. They have more dis-eases, they have more difficulties and problems. Men have more problems with erectile dysfunctioning. These are the sacrificing that have occurred. These are directly associated with this change in dynamic. I would say that more men develop cancer in relation to male physiology. More women develop cancer in relation to female physiology.
DENISE: Breast cancer.
ELIAS: Uterus cancer.
DENISE: Uterus cancer, yeah. Very prominent.
ELIAS: Yes. And these are all factors that have to do with this shift in dynamic. One and a half centuries ago and prior to that, it wasn’t that cancer didn’t exist but it was not common.
DENISE: Yeah, I always wondered that. It’s like the stuff that’s going on now is just… Did it always happen and we just didn’t have the records like we do now? Or if it is…?
ELIAS: No.
DENISE: Interesting.
ELIAS: No. It wasn’t as prevalent. It has become tremendously prevalent, but that’s directly associated with this shift in dynamic. You’ve shifted your paradigm, and you shifted many things with that. This is also what relates to what we were discussing in our group interaction about foresight. When you’re more self-aware, then you can make choices that are more beneficial to you, including choices in relation to your body, which you don’t necessarily think you’re making a choice if you develop something such as cancer or some other dis-ease. You don’t necessarily think that you’re making a choice. You think it simply happens or it is something that attacked you but you are making choices in that, and to this point you see those manifestations and you think that this is something that you have no control over and that it simply happens.
If you have foresight, then you are, if you are self-aware, you’re looking at your whole self, your body included. And in that, you’re looking at what you do and whatever you’re doing, what does that create? Am I creating stress? I know stress creates physical manifestations. Am I creating anxiety? I know THAT creates physical manifestations. Am I creating tension? That also creates physical manifestations. Therefore you’re more aware of everything. And in that, you’re more aware of your health and well-being. They move hand in hand. Your well-being is the stress, the anxiety, the tension, whether you’re satisfied, whether you’re not satisfied, whether you’re content, whether you’re not, whether you’re in enough or not enough. Those are all the well-being factors. And then whatever is happening in your body is the health factors.
DENISE: Okay.
[Personal material removed; audio ends after 52 minutes]
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