Complements and Partnership
Topics:
“Complements and Partnership”
“Honoring Self Is Honoring Others”
“Living the Exercise of ‘Who Do You Want To Be Today?’”
“There Is Nothing You Cannot Do”
Tuesday, March 7, 2023 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and John (Arry)
“When I say to you, very genuinely, when you are being responsible to you, the automatic byproduct of that is that you will be responsible to other people.
“And I will tell you very simply: What that means is living the exercise of ‘Who do you want to be today?’ That’s being responsible to you. That’s putting yourself in that primary position. That’s honoring yourself.”
ELIAS: Good afternoon!
JOHN: Hello.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) And what have you been accomplishing?
JOHN: (Laughs) We will get to that. I have been accomplishing.
ELIAS: Ah, excellent.
JOHN: I wanted to ask another question for Kristin before we start. Kristin is back in Charlotte right now because Diesel, her dog who I’ve talked about before, his liver cancer has returned and she’s getting another ultrasound and taking him to the oncologist here in town again later in the week. I’ve been thinking of what question to ask, and I guess ultimately I just would be curious if you had any words of encouragement or supportiveness or suggestions in relation to that for her in addressing to this – not necessarily like logistically or anything, but more just… I don’t know, words of encouragement or support.
ELIAS: Very well. What I would say is, it’s a matter of recognizing that this is his choice and this is his method. And what I would suggest and encourage is that you engage as much supportive loving time with him as possible, and know that what is important is that you are expressing being grateful for having this relationship, and that in that, you’ve learned to love, you’ve learned to give, you’ve learned to receive, and eventually someday you will share that with another companion. But for now, be grateful for every moment that you have with him.
Know that when he moves on that he will always be a part of your energy and therefore will always be with you.
JOHN: Yeah. Thank you.
ELIAS: You are welcome.
JOHN: I will share that with her.
Well, yeah. Today I think I want to spend more time focused on coming back to the relationship and complements and partnership conversation. But first, in terms of acknowledgement, since our last conversation going back to the business, I have my LLC created, I have my tax stuff created, I have a business account created. I’ve made lots of good progress. So yeah, that feels like a great accomplishment. I feel like I’ve kind of completed “Phase One,” as I’ve been calling it, just kind of laying the foundation for the business. And our last conversation was very helpful in helping me focus and make some changes around my daily structures to focus on those things and get those tasks done, and it feels really great!
ELIAS: Congratulations. That is excellent.
JOHN: Yeah. Thank you. So that’s kind of in progress and there’s still more pieces to figure out, and I feel like I’m trusting that process right now so there’s not much I really want to say or ask about that. But it’s in motion, and that feels good.
ELIAS: Excellent.
JOHN: So, coming back to the relationship piece, again I don’t (chuckles)… I don’t really have specific questions yet at this point. I wrote a little bit earlier today in terms of some things I’ve been noticing and feeling over the last month that I’ve been contemplating in relation to this topic. So I guess I want to share some themes that I’m noticing, kind of start there. Maybe more questions will come, or maybe you will have clarifying questions that will help me clarify, but…
One thing that I’ve been noticing is kind of a bigger-picture piece. I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had when I got back to Oregon and I was feeling all of this mourning energy, and we talked about how you said that was related to me kind of mourning how I’ve approached relationships my whole life, and that I’m not going back to that at this point in my life and that I’m creating something new and something more functional and beneficial and kind of entering a new phase, I guess. I’ve just been reflecting on that a lot, and I think I’ve been feeling a lot of confusion at this point, because I do feel very aware that I don’t want to repeat the same patterns and the same things that I’ve experienced in relationships in my past, and I still feel pretty confused.
So again, coming back to my experience with my friend Brittany at this point, I’ve been paying a lot of attention to the time we spend together and how I feel in that context with her, as an example, and I ultimately just kind of feel two things. One is a lot of confusion, and secondly I continue to notice a lot of apprehension and a lot of… I guess “fear” is a word. “Apprehension” feels like the word that comes to me frequently when I think about it. So…
ELIAS: Now, define those two factors. What are you confused about, and what do you have apprehension about?
JOHN: The apprehension feels like a culmination of factors that one, I feel like in the past when I’ve approached relationships, I did not really consider much of the future, or… I just kind of entered relationships from a pretty… (chuckles) what’s the word? I didn’t really consider the gravity of the situation – and I’m not saying that’s bad, just that’s how I was. I was like, “Well, there’s energy here, this person wants me, I want this person, let’s just do it” and I didn’t really care about the future, I think, in the long-term or big picture.
And that’s a part of what’s changing for me, is I feel like I just don’t really want to approach things from that perspective. I want to be very intentional and very considerate, not just for myself but also the other person. I don’t want to “waste their time,” quote-unquote. I’m using that term loosely, but I feel like… I don’t know, I’m not a kid anymore. We’re not kids. I’m not dealing with young people. There’s just a different sense in me of respect for people’s time and energy and my own time and energy, and I feel like if I’m going to involve myself with somebody I want to just be very intentional and very considerate of the other person and myself in that, and I think I’ve gone to the other end of the extreme. I’m aware of that. So I feel like I think I’m kind of holding myself back, but I think it’s essentially coming from that place of I don’t want to just jump into something with anybody and be inconsiderate of them or myself and our time. So that’s the apprehension piece.
And another piece –
ELIAS: Why is that creating apprehension? You’re not explaining the apprehension. You’re explaining what you want to do, but why is it creating apprehension or anxiety? What are you afraid of?
JOHN: (Pause) Well, there’s definitely a piece that I’m curious about in myself, and I feel like my immediate answer to that is I’m afraid of hurting someone, which is interesting.
ELIAS: And how would you do that?
JOHN: How do I do that?
ELIAS: Yes. How would that happen? What are you afraid of doing that would hurt another individual?
JOHN: Well, entering a relationship with someone and then at some point realizing again, “Oh, maybe this isn’t going to work, maybe this isn’t what I want,” and I want to move on from the relationship and that would cause pain or discomfort to another person.
Part of this is, I think, still me dealing with a little bit of guilt maybe, or pain around how things worked out with Kristin and I, and I feel like I… And this is not just her. There’s many situations where I’ve felt like I just don’t want to… There’s a balance that I’m trying to come to in being considerate of other people. I don’t want them to just be casualties in my own process, I guess is one way to say it.
Like I don’t… I understand that I’m entering a new way of being in a partnership and dating, but I don’t want to… I don’t quite know how to balance being more focused on myself and my own process and honoring myself and doing what is true for me, and also considering somebody else and their needs and their desires and what they want and need in their life. It just feels like in the past, when I look at my last relationships, my other relationships, they’ve often been extremely out of balance in those ways.
I guess ultimately I don’t know what balance is, and I just feel very sensitive to the fact that I don’t want to just go through another however many relationships as I figure this out. So I’m like struggling with the idea of how do I do this in a way that I’m honoring myself and recognizing that I kind of in some ways don’t know what I’m doing, because this feels very new and different. But I also don’t have to take personal responsibility for the other people who may be involved in that, who I might date or be in relationships with, but I also don’t want to hurt them or be disrespectful or inconsiderate, I guess. And it just feels very confusing and I feel a lot of apprehension. I don’t know if that answers the question at all, but (laughs)…
ELIAS: It does.
JOHN: Okay.
ELIAS: It does.
JOHN: Great. Good.
ELIAS: And what I would say is, you’re overcomplicating, and you’re overthinking.
When you are being responsible to you – and before I finish that statement, let me deviate momentarily and ask you to define being responsible to you.
JOHN: Hm.
ELIAS: What does that mean?
JOHN: (Pauses, then laughs) Uh… Well, the first answer that I have is putting myself first, putting myself in the primary position in my life, in my daily choices, and honoring myself before anyone else.
ELIAS: I agree, but I would say what does THAT mean?
JOHN: Yeah. I’m still thinking. I’m still processing this answer.
ELIAS: Because that is the answer that is what you’ve learned from myself. That is the answer that is expected. But what does it mean to you? Now simplify that as much as you can. And what does it mean to you?
JOHN: It means honoring what I want and being true to myself in my wants, my needs, my desires. That feels like the easiest piece to identify because of how much in my life, in my partnerships in the past, I have put my partner’s needs, wants, desires first and foremost almost always and kind of neglected my own. And so to be responsible to myself feels like honoring myself – not that I’m always going to get what I want or get my needs met all the time, but at the very least being very aware of those things and very willing to express those. And –
ELIAS: Now stop. Let me now define it for you, in much simpler terms. You are correct in everything you’re saying, but this may be the cause of your confusion, is that even though you’re correct in everything you’re saying, the manner in which you’re saying it may be more difficult to actually understand and define: What does that actually mean? What is the appearance of that? Therefore, what does that actually look like in practical terms, in action, in daily life?
When I say to you, very genuinely, when you are being responsible to you, the automatic byproduct of that is that you will be responsible to other people.
And in that, yes, you are correct that that is a matter of putting yourself in that primary position and honoring yourself, and that when you do that then you will automatically express that with other people. But that can be your crutch, [and] confusing, because you don’t always know how to define those words and what that means. And I will tell you very simply: What that means is living the exercise of “Who do you want to be today?” That’s being responsible to you. That’s putting yourself in that primary position. That’s honoring yourself.
And in reviewing that exercise of “Who do I want to be today?”, that’s in relation to your world and everything in it: things, other beings and people. And in that, who you want to be today is expressed in relation to HOW you interact with everything in your world, because you are interconnected with everything in your world. And it’s a matter of that exercise is designed to focus your attention on two things at the same time, but in a very easy and natural manner. And the two things that you’re focused on is, the question is “Who do I want to be today?” Therefore it’s first and foremost about you, putting you in that primary position and honoring you, but in a very practical manner.
And the second action that’s happening simultaneously is that you are honoring everything outside of you, because you are focused on everything outside of you and interacting with anything and everything outside of you in relation to the answer to that question. Whatever the word was that you inserted into the answer of that question is being responsible to you and how you can, in practical applications, see how that automatically creates that byproduct in which you will be responsible to everything and everyone outside of you, by being responsible to you. That’s what putting yourself in that primary position – honoring yourself, making choices for you – that’s what it means.
Therefore if you can move genuinely in that direction of “Who do I want to be today?” and you can do it and you can be it, you don’t have to think so much. You don’t have to worry about whether you are being responsible and honoring someone else, and whether you are considering them and whether you are moving in a direction of being genuine to them or not. You are, because that’s who you want to be today.
JOHN: Hm. Okay.
ELIAS: And in that, you are approaching the situation of the subject of relationships differently than you have in the past. You are considering relationships now from the perspective of complements, rather than simply “I see something that I want, therefore I’m going to move in pursuit of it.”
JOHN: (Chuckles) Yeah.
ELIAS: It’s more than that. You recognize an attraction, and you acknowledge that attraction, but then you also are involving more than that. You are defining, first of all, what type of attraction you have to another individual: Is it a sexual attraction? Is it an intellectual attraction? Is it an emotional attraction? What type of attraction do you have towards another individual? And sometimes you may have more than ONE attraction to an individual. Actually, the more attractions you have, the better.
And in that, then you acknowledge those attractions, but you don’t put them first and foremost. You put them in perspective of what they are. The attraction is your lead-in. It’s your start point that moves you in the direction of beginning to ask questions – not questions to yourself, [but] questions of the other individual. You’re attracted, and therefore that creates the beginning. That creates the impetus to move towards another individual and then begin asking questions about them, and in that, discovering what is important to them, what their curiosities are, what their interests are. What are the commonalities that you have with this individual? Do you have more than one attraction to this individual? Because you are asking questions and you are discovering more information about this individual.
And in those commonalities, what are the complements? And that leads you into the next step, which is engaging interactions, engaging activities together, but they don’t have to be tremendous activities. You don’t have to go skiing with the individual to find out if you complement each other, but it’s a matter of very much paying attention and engaging the routine activities that you are accustomed to and that are important to you and that are a part of your daily actions; and in that, evaluating whether the other individual is a complement to those expressions.
That doesn’t mean they have to do the same things. That doesn’t mean they have to move in the same directions. But how does the other individual complement you in relation to what you naturally do and what is important to you? And in that, recognizing all the mundane activities that you do in a day that are a part of your routine – and all of them are important to you, or you wouldn’t be doing them.
Therefore, as a very obvious piece, you have made a choice that you enjoy being in your vehicle, in your car. You enjoy spending time in your car, you enjoy sleeping in your car, you enjoying BEING in your car as opposed to being in an apartment. In that, there are pieces that you also enjoy about being in a house, but for very temporary time frameworks and for specific activities, that it’s more enjoyable and easier to be in a house to prepare meals or to maintain your physical hygiene and shower, but that you’re not as willing, at this point, to be actually living in a house.
Now in that, that doesn’t mean that another individual is not a complement to you if they don’t also want to live in your vehicle. (John laughs) They may understand that this is something that is important to you and it offers YOU a sense of freedom, and that you’re comfortable with that.
Now; the other individual may be very comfortable living in a house or living in an apartment, but that they’re also comfortable with the factor that you don’t want to do that, and they can support you and not make demands of you to be in the house with them continuously, but that they would also be comfortable with you being in your vehicle and perhaps being comfortable with engaging some times of sharing preparing meals together, sharing the facility for showering and whatever hygiene routines you have, and allowing you to participate with them IN a house in those types of activities but not expecting you to express in a type of routine, let us say, or expecting you to alter what is important to you to suit them.
Now in that, you might also be a complement to them because they may be comfortable with interacting with you but not necessarily living with you in the house for a time. Therefore, that’s an example; one example. It could be many different variations of that, but that’s one hypothetical example of one obvious piece in which you’re honoring you and you’re putting yourself in that primary position, and you can be expressing who you want to be today and interacting in that capacity and be honoring the other individual also in how you are expressing yourself. Do you understand?
JOHN: Yeah. Yeah, that was all very helpful. While you were sharing all of that, I think I kind of came to a deeper question that I would be curious just for some validation on in relation to this. But that does all make sense, and I just had this question. Something I’ve been reflecting on a lot, and we’ve talked about this – we talked about this before I even moved out to Oregon and started this whole new phase of life – I feel aware that me moving away from like a typical corporate job and moving into being an entrepreneur and starting my business and… I think subjectively, and more and more objectively, I’m recognizing what a massive change this is in my life. And I’ve been aware of that before I even started, and every day I feel more and more aware objectively of how different this path is than what my life has been up until now. And I think there’s a ton of excitement in that, but there is also just some fear and recognition of the massiveness of the change.
And I think that I’m kind of recognizing now that part of my apprehension or fear in relation to partnership is a similar thing, that I’ve had these repeated patterns in my partnerships up until now in my life, and they’ve been what they’ve been for the reasons that they have, but I’m entering this new phase that feels kind of pretty massively different, like a very different path. And I think to some degree that’s part of what this fear and apprehension is, is I recognize somehow that this is a very big change. And I think I’ve gone through the mourning phase to some degree, like we’ve talked about, and now I’m entering into the reality of the day-to-day reality. Just like with my business, I’m entering the day-to-day reality of like okay, I have to make these choices, I have to make these steps, I have to step more and more into my vision and into creating this. And there’s a lot of responsibility and there’s a lot of power in that, and just… It’s big, and I think I’m recognizing the same thing with partnerships. So I guess I’m asking more of a validation of, is that sort of what’s happening underlyingly?
ELIAS: Yes. Now what I would say to you is, it seems big because you haven’t done it before.
JOHN: Yeah.
ELIAS: You are taking a step into something grander than what you are accustomed to. Therefore you can label that as being big, and it’s bigger than what you’ve known previously.
Bigger doesn’t necessarily mean scary, and in that, once again, if you are being responsible to you, everything else will fall into place, because everything else is a natural byproduct of that. And in that, what you are having apprehension about, and perhaps even somewhat of a fear, is somewhat the recognition of the power that you have.
JOHN: Yeah. Absolutely.
ELIAS: That you actually have the power to accomplish these things, that it’s not something that you simply imagine, it’s not something that you simply daydream about, that it’s actually real.
JOHN: Right.
ELIAS: And you’re making it happen. And in that, I will tell you what I have expressed to other individuals: It’s actually the opposite of what you think. It’s not a fear of failing. (Both chuckle) It’s a fear of being successful.
JOHN: Exactly. Yeah.
ELIAS: A fear of succeeding, because that’s something that’s unfamiliar. And in that, it’s something that you’re not accustomed to expressing not only that you CAN, but that you WILL and that you are capable and you HAVE this power, and that seems arrogant. It’s not; it’s real.
And in that, I would say to you, my friend, what I have expressed to every individual in this forum: There is nothing you cannot do. (John chuckles) The power all is within you already; it’s simply a matter of realizing it. It’s simply a matter of making it real, making it objectively manifest. And in that, you’re not accustomed to doing that.
JOHN: Yeah.
ELIAS: You are accustomed to doing that in very small measures, but you’re not accustomed to doing it in relation to what you’re capable of. And in that, you have been taught almost from infancy that power is dangerous, that power is destructive, that power hurts people or things. That’s not necessarily true. In actuality, it is more true that it doesn’t than it does. It’s more true that power accomplishes and that power actually… (slight pause) generates positive, and even heals, than it does do anything destructive.
JOHN: Yeah.
ELIAS: And you, my friend, have the power to accomplish anything you choose.
JOHN: Yeah. (Chuckles, then sighs) Well, –
ELIAS: And what is this sigh?
JOHN: (Laughs) It is interesting to reflect on that and allow that recognition, that reality.
ELIAS: And what I would say to you, my friend, is keep going back to the simplified version. The simplified version is simply “Who do I want to be today?” If you keep doing that, you will accomplish everything you want.
JOHN: Hm. Well… Yeah. (Chuckles) The other questions that I was reflecting on or thinking about in the details of this partnership topic: I mean, you’ve already simplified it enough, to be present and take things moment by moment, and that’s enough. And I still do find myself a lot of times projecting to the future and anticipating and worrying and –
ELIAS: Because that’s familiar.
JOHN: Right. Yeah.
ELIAS: What I would say is, keep reminding yourself to be [audio cut off]. I would also say to you, it can be very helpful, even if you’re not addressing to trauma – although I do use this in relation to trauma considerably – but it can be very helpful to look at a calendar several times in the day and remind yourself, “This is today. This is [audio cut off]. Anything else is not important. This is today. And everything in the future is built on now.” And in that, reminding yourself that your body doesn’t recognize time. It literally does not recognize time, and that’s the reason that you move back and forth and that you project ahead or you become lost in the past and in past experiences. Because your body generates feelings – your body generates ALL feelings, physical and emotional – and in that, it generates feelings that are not necessarily associated with NOW, because triggers are simply memories that are being touched, and memories are touched every day.
And in that, it’s simply a matter of reminding yourself, “This is today. I don’t have to concern myself about tomorrow or next week or next month or next year, in association with what I am developing in relationship with another individual. All I have to concern myself with is who I want to be today, and therefore how do I apply that in interaction with this person that I am developing this relationship with.”
And the only other piece that is significantly important in regard to relationships is that you keep asking questions.
JOHN: Mm. Of the other person?
ELIAS: I would say that what will be tremendously valuable in developing and maintaining – not only developing, but maintaining – a significant relationship with another individual, especially if you are moving in the direction of a partnership and then maintaining a partnership, is continue to ask questions. I would say do not let a day pass in which you aren’t asking questions.
JOHN: Hm. Asking questions of the other person?
ELIAS: Yes. Be who you want to be and continue to ask questions. Why? Because that’s the maintenance of the relationship part. People don’t simply change overnight. People are continuously changing. But when you stop asking questions, you stop noticing how the other individual is changing. And you don’t know unless you ask questions, because you’re not the other person. Therefore, in that, when you stop asking questions, you stop knowing about how they’re changing, and then you start neglecting the relationship.
JOHN: That’s interesting.
Yeah. Well, one of the biggest things that I’m still, I think, I guess… I don’t know, I was going to say “struggling with,” but yeah, struggling with, questioning, is that piece of noticing the attractions and noticing the complements and noticing those things, but just the lack of fireworks, the lack of that intensity and that deep, emotional flame that I am accustomed to feeling with people that I have pursued in relationship and partnership in the past. Like, the change in mindset of not having that be the focus and not having that be a requirement, or specifically like not pursuing that with people that I feel that with, is just still kind of throwing me off of it. I’m still adjusting to that.
ELIAS: Understandable.
JOHN: Yeah. And it does –
ELIAS: And I would say that is a significant piece for all individuals that are accustomed to following that as their indicator of attraction.
JOHN: Yeah.
ELIAS: Now let me say to you, there are two pieces of this. One – or actually there are several pieces of this, but two main pieces. One is, when you are generating those fireworks, what you’re doing is acknowledging that you’ve found someone – which wasn’t difficult – that is very much like one or both of your parents. (John laughs) And you are expressing those initial, immediate fireworks in relation to attraction. That is, in your terms, the hook. And you keep looking for those fireworks, and that’s what you follow. You don’t even KNOW what the attraction is. You generally will label it as being attracted physically, that you’re sexually attracted to the individual, but you don’t even KNOW that you are sexually attracted to the individual. All you know is you are following those fireworks. They are telling you, “Yes, you did it. You found it.” And you did. You found the energy that is mirroring your parents, and this is your prize, these fireworks. And those fireworks fizzle out relatively quickly, because then you begin to see what isn’t a complement, what isn’t working, what IS annoying, what IS irritating, what IS disappointing, what is something that you wish was different. And – you face yourself with the other individual expressing what they wish was different in you, and THEIR disappointment.
And in this, what I would say to you – and I can actually express to you genuinely a guarantee of this one – that when you genuinely find an individual who is a complement, give it some time. Develop the relationship. And when you deepen the relationship, you will find the fireworks. But they won’t be the same kind of fireworks; they will be a kind of fireworks that you see in that individual’s eyes in such a deep appreciation, and such a compatibility that you can’t imagine your life being expressed in any other manner. And in that, those are the fireworks that never fizzle out and that never go away.
[The timer for the end of the session rings]
ELIAS: And THAT, my friend, is something that is not a prediction. I can guarantee that. Because that’s what happens with humans when they genuinely do move in the direction of complements and they genuinely do allow themselves to be who they want to be. That’s what happens. That’s what you have to look forward to.
It’s not going to happen immediately. Therefore it’s something that you find, you discover. It’s not the bells and whistles that are screaming at you (shouting), “Yes! Yes! Yes! This is your parents!” (John laughs) It’s a very subtle but at the same time obvious melody that never goes away.
JOHN: Well, that’s a beautiful way to end the conversation. (Both laugh) Yeah, I will reflect on those things. That’s a lot to take in. I have not practiced... I mean, I’ve heard you talk about the “Who do I want to be today?” exercise. I have not really practiced that, so I will definitely take that to heart and start practicing.
ELIAS: I suggest that you do.
JOHN: Yeah, I will, definitely.
ELIAS: And that will help you to not be confused.
JOHN: Yeah. All right!
ELIAS: Very well, my friend. I shall tremendously be anticipating our next conversation, and I shall be offering my energy to you in tremendous support as you continue to accomplish. Congratulations in what you have done.
JOHN: Thank you.
ELIAS: Until our next meeting, in great love and in dear friendship as always, au revoir.
JOHN: Goodbye.
(Elias departs after 1 hour 1 minute)
Copyright 2023 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.